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CHALGRAVE NEWS
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Email me now with the info!!!   steve@chalgravegolf.co.uk

Mon 18th Aug....a story reaches me about Harry McGarry....avid readers of this page will be aware of the longstanding problems that Harry has with transport, usually his inability to get off a train or stay awake long enough to get off at the right station. He has now expanded his repertoire to include road transport problems..... early morning last week, Harry leaves as usual for work and is on his scooter (just like his golf....he goes putt putt putt putt!!!!) going through Houghton Regis, resplendent in full dayglo Hi Vis when ....suddenly, and without any warning, he is mown down by an Argos lorry, driven by a Polish driver who speaks little English!!! (well as little warning as a 7.5 tonne truck - that is about 12ft high, 7 ft wide and 30 ft long, neon blue and making big brum brum noises from the engine followed by eeeeech....ppppsssssttt as the brakes (air brakes) go on!! - can make!!!).....  apparently the Polish for "***king mopeds" sounds remarkably similar!!!! An ambulance was called and the paramedics insisted on using their skills and high tech equipment along with all their training despite Harry's protestations that he was alright. So, when 2 hours after he left home to go to work, how do you think he explained to his missus why he is back home again, wearing only the right sock and shoe, carrying the left sock and shoe which had been cut off by the paramedics!! In an effort to help, I have browsed through the online catalogue, but unfortunately Argos don't sell left socks or shoes!!! Rumours now abound that the compo claim will not be for an amount of money...but will simply be a list of numbers that correspond with their current catalogue!!!!   

Fri 8th Aug....a celebrity joins the appeal for the missing Penguins..... PINGU said in a statement that he was "concerned for the safety and well being of his fellow penguins. This is a unique situation, no one has ever previously taken penguins hostage, and I hope that the matter can be resolved quickly and without any ill harm coming to his fellow brother penguins."

Fri 8th Aug... The Vice Captain issues an appeal...

MISSING PENGUINS

The Vice Captain sadly needs to report the abduction of two of his warriors, Slipper and Toga, last seen enjoying the sun in the Club Car Park

Slipper: is around 12 inches tall and his hobbies include being the VC's driver cover and pecking at car tyres until they are completely flat!
Toga: is somewhat smaller but enjoys being the master of the VC's 3 Wood but has a similar penchant for car tyres if he is mis-treated!

Abduction: (I stop short of calling it theft) is classified as mis-treatment and so therefore a suitable donation to the Captain's Charity on their return may exonerate the felons from some very severe retribution.

It should be noted that as well as being the Vice-Captain, I have complete control over Handicaps and competition draws! A similar donation to my charity a year henceforth will also be required. Penguin napping is no laughing matter!!!!

So there you have it...an appeal from the Vice Captain for the return of his penguins. I noticed that the appeal didn't quite follow Scotland Yard guidelines for the appeasement of hostage takers and the commencement of calm negotiations, in the hope that said hostages are returned in a fit and healthy state. The appeal seemed to end with threats of retribution and one would wonder if this will cause the situation to escalate out of control.

Weds 6th Aug..... a crime of mega proportions has been committed. Last weekend, after the Club match against Mount Pleasant in the pouring rain which was very unpleasant, VC Hawker had his penguins taken hostage. The two penguin headcovers were ambushed and abducted as they were drying out after the round.....a short while later, a mysterious phone call apparently gave notice that they were now hostages. No ransom demand has yet been made and Scotland Yard think something fishy is going on..... 

Weds 6th Aug...Member Des Salmon came in and retrieved his 9 iron that he lost out on the course last week....nothing unusual except that he had retrieved it the previous week as well!!! He had lost it the week before, gone out, played with it and lost it again. I have put him on a cumulative fine system for its retrieval...week one cost him 25p, this week cost him double, so 50p. I reckon that by the time he has lost it three more times, his memory will start to improve by association. This will work on the basis of "why is my wallet so light??? Damn.. where's my 9 iron!!!"

Weds 6th Aug....Pete Graydon has the latest technology on his mobile....he has a GPS tracking system software on his mobile phone that tells him the yardages around the course...and before you start giving me grief...these systems are now approved by the R & A, although their use in competitions are subject to a relevant local rule allowing their use........Pete can tell you, for example, that it is 404 yards from the 3rd tee to the front of the green as the crow flies...except our crows don't fly, they generally just wander around digging holes with their beaks....this system has been invaluable to other golfers as well, allowing Pete to tell Alan Michael exactly how far it is back to the clubhouse now that he has NR'd on the 7th hole after blasting 2 balls into the field next door....although Captain Weedon was disappointed that the system failed to know that he had birdied the first hole.... no doubt there will be more to come on this story.....

Tues 5th Aug... well tuesday means seniors day which is always good for a decent story......those of you on my email roster will have received my public service announcement advising you that Beds County Council are going to dig up the main road and make access a tad tricky for some people in the near future. The clue was in the subject line of the email.....Road Closure 11th - 15th August......except Mick Moulton got carried away and took the alternative suggested route today, even though the roadworks don't start for a week!!! I can't wait to see what happens next week when the roadworks WILL be there!!

Tues 5th Aug....weekend medal stories come in....Dan Glass should have romped away with it, having chipped in for 2 x 2's on the par 3's, completed the front 9 in 39 shots, parred the 10th and then hit a fairway splitting drive down the 11th....so how did he ruin is card with an 11 on the 11th after being 80 yards from the flag off the tee??.....shank the 2nd OOB, drop for 3, hit into the front bunker for 4....11??? still can't see it.... bunker shot for 5th shot, connect cleanly with the ball, out of the bunker, over the green, over the rough stuff and become the first person ever to go OOB over the back of the 11th!!! well there is 30 yards beyond the green to the course boundary, so its not easy!!! so drop back in the bunker for 6, 7th shot...was never going to take too little sand this time.. so took too much and left it in the bunker.....8th shot out onto the green and the regulation 3 putt for an 11. Classic Stuff. If he had only taken a 6 he would have won!!

Sunday 27th July.... The morning after the night before..... astonishingly, everyone made it on time for the pairs champs....even VJ who had had a couple of shandies the night before!!!! The early morning general jollity was strangely absent, people just moving slowly and quietly about...which added to the onslaught of the heat again and the format of 4 ball better ball meant there was a slow old round of golf out there on Sunday...not that that seemed to bother people...whereas normally people would be standing by their ball waiting to play their shot if they had a group ahead, on Sunday, there were people flat on the backs all over the course!! It was like someone had sprayed a James Bond style nerve gas over the place!! VJ was partnering Club Champion Mike Kent, who sensibly had not been here for Charity Day as he wanted to continue his onslaught into the majors...he was always going to be up against it in a Pairs Competition with VJ. More like a single against the rest (and I am waiting for the info as to how many holes VJ had his score count out of the total of a nett 67...and I bet its not many!!!) VJ finally realised why he was not feeling to stable when he swung through the ball on the 3rd green.....he was wearing slippers, not golf shoes!!! He had come out of the house in his slippers and not changed into golf shoes!!!

Mick Yule made an impact on Sunday...well his trolley did!! Mick has invested in a new, posh remote control trolley. He bent down on the 1st to put his ball on the tee, the pressure must have activated the on switch in his pocket, the trolley started up, rolled off down the slope, across the tee and crashed into the barriers at the back of the tee!!! It didn't get any better.. at the end of the round, people were astonished to see Mick Yule sitting quietly in a corner......that's another first...Mick Yule and quietly in the same sentence!!! Mick came off the 18th, ordered a strongbow, took 45 minutes to drink 2/3rds of it, didn't say a word to anyone, except...I can't handle this, I'm going home!!! Surprisingly enough, the winners of the Pairs Champs were not at Charity Day....Not Surprisingly....last place (excluding the  2 NR's) was Dave Burden and RAY HUGHES! Their challenge faltered and died at the 10th hole. I have heard of people getting the yips with putting, but never off the tee!!! You couldn't make it up!!

Saturday 26th July.....Charity Day....The most important thing....we raised a figure over £3,000...and heading towards £4k...a correct total will be published shortly..... and then there was the golf itself...and the non golf snippets as well.... "Tiger" and her very nice group of "bandits" from Peverel OM won the day, winning a round of golf for 4 at Luton Hoo... Kev "shorty" Clinton led Shorty's Angels to 2nd place and a round for 4 at West Herts GC whilst in 3rd place and a round for 4 at John O'Guant were a Club based bunch of "bandits" from the HAGS with a team name of Mankers....the course was in magnificent condition, and the scores reflected that. At the lower end of the scale, Happy Horwood led the PIGS in a round of outstanding mediocrity to secure the wooden spoon. So that was the golf....what else happened then??? I arrived at 7.30am ish....and already there were 20+ on the course ahead of the Charity Day competition. Vince Hasker arrived to carry out the days administration...and without a doubt looked like the poshest toff we have ever had in the club!! Resplendent in sharply creased trousers, shiny shoes, shirt and club tie, blazer and topped off with a rakish white hat, he would have looked perfectly at home in the settings of Oxford or Cambridge....in fact my first thought was....Punt!! Early starters were of at just before 11, with a series of charity challenges on the course. Very old clubs on the 4th tee to drive off with...and a fine was levied later for those that bottled it and used their own....Braddy sheepishly came forward to pay his fine at the presentations!!!

But the star of the whole day, was Ray Hughes. Ray achieved immortality and a place in the permanent archives of the history of Chalgrave Manor Golf Club. In 100 years time, they will still be talking about him. It had been a fairly sedate passage for the front nine. Down to the 10th and a tee shot that was slightly underclubbed and finished in the bunker at the front of the green. A stop for a burger and a sausage at Chris's BBQ before heading around to complete the hole. Ray is considering making the effort to qualify for the 2012 London Olympics, as from the bunker, he stepped backwards, performed a neat single pike with a half twist from the 1 metre board and fell backwards into the pond!! In 14.5 years, that is the first person EVER to fall in the pond. You always wondered why they call them a splash bunker didn't you?? Well now you know!! Dave Burden, Pete Warren and Alan Giles replenished the water levels with their tears of laughter, before hauling Ray, "the man from Atlantis" Hughes from the depths. Unfortunately for Ray, Liz "Superwoman" Weedon happened to be at the 10th hole...with young Ben who knows how to work a mobile phone camera quickly!!! I am expecting to be able to provide you with photographic evidence later!!!

The crowds grew larger at the 18th as players finished, the fabulous Hog Roast got underway and players needed a thick skin as they stood over their putts on the 18th Green. Estevan holed out under extreme pressure with a nasty 3 ft downhiller, whereas Tim Murphy lacked the spirit of Braveheart as he lagged another 3 footer to 18". The weather had been magnificent, so some 200 people were encamped outside the clubhouse for a glorious summer evening. The hog roast went down a storm, Andy kept the music playing all evening, Shorty Clinton MC'd possibly the most confusing raffle every seen anywhere in the world....well with 5 different tickets all looking like they belonged to a B&Q paint sample sheet showing 30 different shades of pale blue...with fading light we were reading off the serial numbers on the tickets to be able to tell which number 41 was which.....and on three of the different tickets, the 7 figure serial number differed by just one digit!!! Mick Yule came forward with a ticket, 41 - 45 but had the wrong serial no....so he was sent back...he came back with another ticket, with a different serial number, but still wrong.....and finally came back with a third go with the correct ticket to win a prize!! It was dark by the time the raffle finished, which made the charity auction a tad difficult. We managed to raise a stack of cash through that as well, and then the Captains Sister, Leandra, put the icing on the cake by donating a week in one of her villa in Spain, 3 bed duplex sleeping 10 people. Bids slowly made their way to £250, until I pointed out that this was a Spanish golf tour at £25 per head. Bids jumped to £350 quite quickly, then Leandra announced the duplex now had a swimming pool!! I'll tell you what...that is damn impressive even by ED Construction standards!!! They can build a swimming pool in 10 minutes!! which is significantly faster than Shorty can do a raffle!! The effect of the new swimming pool and the concept of a golf tour to Spain at £35 per head saw the bids jump quickly to a sale price of £550....I thought to the HAGS but in the end it turned out to be the boys from Peverel...well it was very dark and I was either looking at an eclipse or Richard and Joe were standing next to each other!! That shows the standard of auctioneering that was going on....we sold a 3 bedroom villa for a week to a bunch of guys who work for a company that manages hundreds of these sort of properties in Europe and elsewhere!! It was like selling snow to the Eskimos!!!...is this a good time to point out that the "sleeps 10" concept involves at least 3 double beds?????

Formalities over, the party got into full swing. Ray "Moses" Hughes twirled around the dancefloor like a whirling dervish....either it was a masterful display of dance or there was still some moisture being dried out of those clothes!! Peter Hunt and Gerry Wells had been first off with me at 10.50 earlier in the day, and they were still there as the midnight hour approached, dancing the night away with their other halves. One or two people had embraced the day to the full, all thought of the Pairs Championships in a few hours time forgotten as the bar was constantly awash with people. The barstaff had a slightly shell shocked look for most of the night but they failed to wilt under the pressure and finally we reached a point where we could sell beer quicker than people could consume it. 1.00am came and went and finally things quietened down, the bar was slowly returned to normality and the clubhouse gradually put back into shape. It was 3.00am before I finally crashed into my bed....what a day....my sincere thanks to all that helped, sponsored, worked and played in what was quite possibly the best event we have ever put on at Chalgrave.

Dave and Liz Weedon were incredible, not just on the day, but in the weeks and months that have passed in the run up, in organisation, cajoling prizes for the event, the attention to detail with the hole sponsors, the programmes, the BBQ, every single aspect of the day, was a tribute to there determination and dedication to the cause of raising money for Keech Cottage. The Club is indebted to you both.

 Thursday 10th July....Longest Drive Competition up the 1st Hole...Captain v The Boss....what's this on the news page for then??? Well we both used the same club, a wooden headed driver with wooden shaft, known to be 82 years old, with original leather wound grip.....so the record needs to show that we had 2 balls each, but The Boss only needed one to win and donated his 2nd ball to the Captain!! Through the 150 yard markers, a touch of draw....easy game!!!

Weds 2nd July...Checked my inbox, deleted all the viagra adverts etc and then came to the interesting ones! One of the things that happens when you are so close to something, is that it is sometimes difficult to see or appreciate the sometimes slow, but steady maturity of the course that has been going on around us.....so last week I was delighted to welcome Len Fitzgibbon back to the club. Len was an original founder member but moved to Spain over 11 years ago and last played Chalgrave when it was virtually bare of trees, (well they were 2ft high at the most!!), no irrigation to speak of and some very raw rough areas. Seeing as I like to get compliments, I produce Len's email for you below, and if you are heading in the direction of Len's club, then let me know and I will put you in contact with him!!

Mon 30th...evening....Committee Meeting....afterwards a few beers then home...except Cally and Nick are stuck...Cally drove here, but she's lost her keys....fortunately Nick has a spare set with him but where have the keys gone. Chairs, tables, ladies changing room, ladies toilets....in desperation Nick even checked the mens toilets!!! Donny and myself were drawn into the big search....a modern day Bodie and Doyle if ever there were one!!! Detective Sergeant Rumball questioned the prime suspect , Ms C King, on the disappearance of said keys....where did you last see them madam??? Keys, on floor by handbag in ladies loo...but I'm sure I picked them up.... I take it you have checked the handbag madam?? Yes, don't be stupid, of course I have. Well madam, in my extensive experience of lost items, ladies handbags are cavernous receptacles, with many crevices and crannies into which items such as keys can become "lost". you should check it again. Oh OK. Ah!!! Got them! On the top, in the top pocket, just as you open the handbag....Rumball of the Yard (surely that should be Rumball of the Bailey?????) strikes again!!!!

Mon 30th... so many stories from the weekend...some are just not going to make it!!! lets start with Sat....Club match....Dave Weedon's first appearance as Captain...breakfast before we start...except Richie Scott can't have brekky cos he's on a diet...and maybe has caught wind of Weedo's plan to serve him milk and
Special K instead of a full english!!! so no sign of Richie as breakfast is served. Meanwhile, Donny is at the far end of the table and last to be served...but he was out for a couple of bevvies the night before and when Avril makes an appearance with extra sausages and hash browns his 1st helping has not been touched and he is a nice shade of green....so we send them off to the 1st Tee asap so the new carpet doesn't get stained!! Donny is partnering debut boy Steve Cuff, who has never played matchplay let alone a club match before....and he looks on as Donny hooks his opening Tee shot to within 2 ft of being out of bounds down the left. Lucky escape!!...errr no!!...2nd shot, made no mistake with the ball well below his feet on the side of the bank, he got a proper hook on that one and whipped it into the practice ground. 2nd Tee....no hesitation whatsoever, way left into the trees for another OOB!! 3rd Tee...well at least OOB will be difficult here, but yet another hook sees the 3rd lost ball of the round in the long grass between 3 and 4!!! Clearly, the right arm must have developed much stronger muscles from all the beer lifting the night before which was causing an overpowerful action with the right hand/arm and resulting in slightly wayward shots!! You would think that Donny would try and keep out of the way until he sobered up a bit...but he was reading Steve's putts for him!!! You can imagine the instructions can't you.... "its just outside the right hand edge of the left hand hole"...... somehow, Steve Cuff kept them in it until Donny recovered sufficiently to see them win their match and Weedo open his account with a resounding 4.5 -  1.5 victory over Beadlow.

On to sat eve....8.00pm...two toerags nick a couple of flags from the 4th and 5th holes....how do we know with such precision timing? cos Bernie Neal saw them with the flags as they walked along the main road at Dunstable rugby club......but I'm getting ahaead of myself here....to appreciate the full humour of the story we need to back up a bit....Bernie at home, phone call...bloke needs a taxi from Toddington to Eaton Bray..Bernie picks him up as requested, and the guy is in full Scooby Doo outfit ready for a fancy dress party... so the "mystery machine" is en route to Eaton Bray with Scooby in the back (so is Bernie: Velma, Freddie, Shaggy or Daphne??) as they go past the perpetrators of the heinous crime of flag nicking. Shaggy (I've decided that Scooby must have Shaggy with him...) with great presence of mind, takes a photo on his mobile phone, ignores Scooby's need to get to Eaton Bray, and parks in the entrance to the Rugby Club. In true Scooby Doo style, he confronts the crims, who run off having disposed of the flags somewhere...Shaggy gives chase...well if 5 paces can be described as giving chase... before returning to Scooby in the Mystery Machine and taking him off to his party (which he is now late for!!) No one ever got the better of Scooby and the gang, and so on his return from Eaton Bray, Shaggy returns to the scene of the crime, looking for clues. Along the roadside, by the Rugby Club he searches high and low for the evidence. Just before he is about to give up and with the light fading, he spies a glimmer of yellow amongst the undergrowth. A flag!!! Scooooobie Doooobie DOOOOOO!!!! Shaggy carefully climbs down into the water filled ditch, leans across, stretches out his hand.....stretches more...a little more.....nearly got it......arrrgghhhhh!!! foot slips and Shaggy takes a tumble into the biggest pile of nettles and thorns you have ever seen (well it's not the Thorn turn for nothing you know!!) Stung all over, he retrieves the flagstick but can't find the second one. Home (to Daphne or Velma presumably) where he sits in front of the TV rubbing and scratching his stings. Daphne/Velma (well Rose actually but it sounds so much better this way!!) asks what he is doing....I've been stung....what by a bee??? no, nettles!!! Now you can imagine Bernie trying to explain this whole thing to his missus can't you!!!
Unbelievable!!! 

Weds 25th....more snippets from Round 2 of the Handicap Champs....Brian Gidley makes another appearance!!! The McGarrys have just finished the 14th and are on the 15th Tee as Nick Hawker comes up the path from the 11th green. They stop for a quick chat, as you do....and are disturbed by the sudden appearance of an SAS soldier crawling out of the undergrowth, between the 11th green and 15th Ladies Tee, on his belly. He is dragging what appears to be a ground to air missile system with him, and to be fair, is not the best SAS soldier in the world as everyone saw him!! Things got more bizarre when, having emerged from the long grass, onto neatly cut light rough, cut only the day before to 44mm, he continued to crawl towards the 15th Tee!! After being paralysed with fear for their lives initially, Nick and the McG's finally recognised the SAS man as Brian, and the surface to air missile system was his electric trolley. Brian had decided to save himself all of 4 feet on the walk from 11 to 12 by taking a "short cut" through the long grass between 11 and 15. In the middle of this overgrown area, is the ditch that passes in front of the 15th tee....and Brian had fallen into it. Now Brian has a bit of trouble getting up under normal circumstances....and 2 ft deep grass is not normal, so he battered his way through the rest of the long grass with his trolley and emerged in front of the 15th Tee. Initially, the McG's and Nick were terrified....thinking Brian had collapsed, or suffering from some major health catastrophe and they were as far from the clubhouse as they possibly could be....but eventually they realised he just needed a hand to get back up and the worried frowns turned to tears of laughter....

you don't get this level of entertainment at every club you know!!!!

Mon 23rd ..... the day after round 2 of the Handicap Champs....it was a tad breezy out there!!!! Pete Graydon, 5 handicapper, NR'd in the 1st round, stood on the 1st tee playing for pride....two tee shots into the heavy rough up the right hand side of the 1st..use up entire handicap allowance on the 1st hole in a gale....that will be another NR then!! Hugh Kerr hits his approach to 3ft on the 17th into the teeth of the wind. Ball stops...wind blows....ball rolls back off the green. That will teach you to leave it on the slope then Hugh!! Tony Hawker...14th Tee...right out of the middle of the clubface, but with just a tad of fade....he took the 15th out of play completely and finished in front of the pond in front of the 11th green!!! Only just keeping it in bounds!!! Jose Silva meanwhile was the immovable object in the face of the strong winds and completed a wonderful victory. What baffles me is Ben Hope!!! Possibly the lightest player out there and not only did HE not get blown away, he finished in second place....Brian Gidley had a seniors moment....finished his round, came in got a coffee, ordered a baguette, finished his coffee and left all inside of 5 minutes....just as his baguette came out the kitchen!!!

Fri 20th....just updating the Bonus Ball results for the board....and the undisputed Kings of the Bonus Ball are Nick Hawker and (cough) Steve Rumball. In the 30 weeks since this magnificent concept was started, Nick and Steve have know won 3 times each...or 20% of the time!!! Like all forms of competition, there have to be winners and losers...and as my Mum always says......"its the taking part that counts". Yes Mum!

Thurs 19th....a story from the Handicap Champs....Paul McG, Dave McG and Peter Montgomery are following Kelvin Weedon, Graham Balmer and Merv Whitten down the 9th...Kelvin, Graham and Merv wave the m through as they were searching for Grahams ball in the trees...as Peter and The McG's (sounds like a dodgy 80's band) are walking off, Graham is on his way back up the fairway to replay his shot. The Peter and the McG's head for the 10th. Before they even leave the 10th tee after their tee shots, Merv, Graham and Kelvin arrive at the 10th and get called back through!!!!! How the hell????? Peter pulled his left into the trees so played a provisional. Paul McG hit the big tree to the right of the green and played a provisional. Dave McG hit the small pond and played 3 from the tee. he hit the big pond (still short of the island) and played 5 off the tee. 7 tee shots between them and then they went to look for the first two balls....and before hey got there they were forced to call the group who had just let them through, back through!!! I bet that doesn't happen very often!!

Tues 19th June....an email from Dave McG...."here is a load of pictures from Captains Day. Make up your own stories..." OK...1st story, true one...about Dave McGarry and his inability to attach anything to his emails.... I will make up the stories and put up some pictures if and when they arrive...... don't hold your breath though!!

Sat 14th June...Captains Day.....oh where do you start???? At the beginning would be good!! The World Trick Shot Champ (Geoff Swain) turned up as promised and treated us to an astonishing display of skill, including some brand new tricks. There was some great audience participation...few will forget Ann Woods's attempt at a high tee!!! A £350 Callaway ERC Driver impacted on the shaft that supported the tee at least 8" below the ball!! The shaft snapped in two, fortunately for Ann it was the shaft supporting the tee peg and not the driver shaft that gave way!!! A magnificient show was completed in traditional style, with Geoff hammering a ball 300 yards up the first fairway, off a tee peg that was strategically located just above the Captains wedding tackle. Vice Captain Nick is doing his utmost to ensure that Geoff has a booking elsewhere next year on Captains Day morning! And so to the drive in....Tiger went first, silence in the ranks which was distinctly unnerving, followed by barracking and cheers. Ann settled ove the ball and silence descended again....and was held until the most fabulously timed loud cough just at the start of the downswing caused a slight swing misalignment and the ball was never in danger for the rest of the swing!!! The second attempt was much more successful and then Dave Weedon stepped forward for his turn. Still "adjusting" himself, or could have been checking to see that all was still there, he also settled nicely over the ball....there was no silence on this occasion, just cheers and jeers which rose to a crescendo as the clubhead came back to the target and the ball soared majestically out of bounds down the left hand side of the 1st!!

Mon 9th June....news reaches me of the weekends medal...glorious, glorious weather after the last few weeks of torrential downpours....leaving receptive greens and just about perfect conditions for a low, low score.....so how did Stuart Johnstone take a 19 up the 6th???? The mind boggles!!!Welcome back Stuart!!!..... and then there was the Captain, just 8 days into his Captaincy and with his ears burning from the insults hurled in his (and Nick's direction) by Dan Glass and Mark Mansfield when they finally declined the opportunity to caddy for Dan and Mark (as per the bet over 6 months previously) should Mark and Dan reach the final of the Matchplay pairs...that's the WINTER matchplay final on the 9th June!!!..... but I digress....the Captain perhaps should have done the caddying, as the embarrassment suffered in carrying the bag of Dan or Mark was nothing compared to that on completion of a magnificent 12 on the 11th hole......(that only leaves you the 0.7 strokes in your handicap Dave, for the rest of the course!!!) Just so no one misses the truely outstanding effort in achieving an octa-bogey 12, let me take you through it in detail: from the tee, the merest hint of a fade (well ok a bl**dy great slice) saw the ball nestling OOB down the right. Reload and with a slight over adjustment, the 3 off the tee finishes nice and tight under a tree down the left hand side. Hack out onto the fairway for 4, and then nailed the 5th shot right into the heart of the...pond... drop for 6, nail the 7th into the heart of the ....pond...... drop for 8, 9 onto the green and a regulation 3 putt completed the 12 shots.....I was in error with the 0.7 shots left to handicap for the rest of the course......the Captain had had an 18" putt on the 9th green, which he lagged to 12"!!!!!! Quality Golf!!!! ....which leaves us with thoughts of the Captains Challenge for Captains Day.... a nice bottle of wine if you beat the Captains score.. which in the medal was just 2 short of a century and a net 89.....so I've ordered a few more cases now!!!

Tues 3rd June....another senior Moment.....except it is not a senior....its a McGarry Moment.....as Harry oscillates between Kings Cross and Bedford on the train, Donny has finally succumbed to madness as well.....I get an email from him today.....got a spare moment ( or a "window of opportunity" in commerce speak as it was put)...please put me in the sat Medal this weekend...no problem.. done and I email a confirmation of the start time...and then 12 minutes later I get another email.....sorry can't play Saturday I'm already booked out...it was July I can play!!! Getting it wrong by a few hours or even days is excusable...just.....but a whole month????

Tues 3rd June.....had a phone call from a concerned member as his membership was due at the end of May.....and it was so good to hear from him....Dick Chittock...possibly the senior senior, had a heart attack 2 weeks ago and has been in the L&D but is now home and recovering....so he rang me to ask what he should do about his membership!!! Daft Bugger!! It was really good to hear from him and he seems to be well on the mend....Dick said the L&D was marvellous....and well worth a visit!!! He has also passed on some of his own personal remedies to the staff there...so if you go in with some dry skin/exczema etc, don't be surprised to be sprayed with WD40!!! There is of course no truth in the rumour that the ambulance took 5 1/2 hours to travel the 6,000 yards to hospital (which is the same time it takes Dick to get round 6,000 yards at Chalgrave in a buggy!!) just to make him feel that things were normal!!!! 

Thurs 22nd May....The Molers are in and Tarby is here.....there are some benefits to having poor hearing sometimes!!! and now he is insufferable....he played the double green in 5 shots today!!! Driver off the 8th tee, duffed the 2nd shot (3 wood) and holed a 6 iron from 170 yards for an eagle 3.....17th, driver and a 5 wood for an albatross 2!!! Tarby will be here for another couple of hours.....and we will be hearing about it for at least that long!!! or maybe not......the scores are now in and despite being 5 under (gross) for 2 holes, Tarby has been beaten on the front nine and back nine on countback!!! He wasn't even close for overall!!!

Mon 19th May.....Captain Braddy lead his troops for his last foray as Club Captain to a 3 all draw in the match against Henlow on Saturday and he is now in the last couple of weeks before handing over the reins to Weedo....Braddy's year has resulted in a fabulous £6200+ raised for our Captains Charity, Keech Cottage and we hope that someone from Keech will be present at Weedo's Captains Day on 14th June to collect a cheque from Braddy. Congratulations to Steve on such a great total and thanks to all that have supported him during his Captains Year. Weedo is, of course, already psyching himself up for the big launch of his year...he intends to not hit the ground running, but to be rocket propelled and then get faster!!! This is clearly not going to be a quiet year....Weedo and Tiger... the mind boggles!! The Captains are breaking with tradition and playing in Captains Day instead of dispensing drinks...drinks are still being dispensed so don't worry!! Dave has issued the mighty challenge...beat his score and you will be presented with a bottle of the Captains Wine.....I discussed this with Dave last weekend and the reality of playing against 90 people and getting beaten by all at a cost of over £350 is starting to weigh rather more heavily than it did when the challenge was laid down!!!

Dave's Vice Captain, Nick Hawker, has sensibly decided to stay well removed from the challenge, saying that he is behind Dave's efforts all the way, but in this case...a long way behind!!! 

Thurs 8th May.....a glorious bit of news crosses my desk......many months ago, Dave Weedon, Nick Hawker, Danny Glass and Mark Mansfield had a bet.....aside from the £20 as to who progressed further in the Winter Doubles Matchplay, there was a side bet....Weedo and Nick were so adamant that Mark and Dan had no chance whatsoever, that they agreed that if Dan and Mark made the final, they would don full "Augusta White Boiler suits" and would caddy for them in the final. So last week, in the semi final, Paul Mullen and Tony Hawker were the final hurdle that needed to be overcome. All square after 18 holes....pressure is on as they go up the 1st for sudden death....Mark has a birdie putt which misses but is stone dead for a gimmie.... Tony Hawker has a birdie putt for the match from about the same distance, across the green, which slid past by too many feet to be a gimmie.....and Paul missed the one coming back to launch scenes of unbridled joy from Mansfield and Glass. The date of the final is about to be announced, and I will email the club membership to let you know when you can see the Caddies in full regalia for the grand final!!! Any volunteers for caddies for Mark Simpkins and Richard Quantick to balance it up would be good!!!

Tues 6th May.....the Singles Matchplay draw is on the board, and as always throws up some "interesting" matches....for those that wonder if the draw is completely random and honest...I point you to the fact that Joe Silva has done the draw for three years now.....and has yet to get a bye through the preliminary round!!! Elsewhere, the Junior Organiser (me) gets drawn against Ollie Whitten (a junior)!! Rob Russell is drawn against Merv Whitten, with the prospect of a match against Sarah if he can beat Merv....Hugh Kerr is well and truely Hawkered...Preliminary round match against Tony, with the winner to play Nick....and this draw is random!! What the hell would happen if it wasn't!!! 

Fri 2nd May....fancy a chance to be a TV star??? Channel 4's primetime cooking show, "Come Dine with Me" is looking for Bedfordshire participants. "Over four days, four strangers, from all walks of life, take turns to host the perfect dinner party for each other. At the end of the week the most impressive host wins a £1,000 cash prize. This is your chance to create the perfect dining experience, and YOU get to enjoy three nights dining out and a chance to win the prize!"

It is so tempting to enter Greenkeeper Tony!!! Tone's idea of the perfect lunch, has in the past, involved a loaf of bread. That's it...a loaf of bread!!! Would be a classic!!

Seriously, if anyone is interested, I have the details from Granada TV, so send me an email!!

Tues 22nd April....news from the Ladies Section....Cally and Kay are through to the 3rd Round of the Daily Mail Foursomes after a sudden death win on the 1st extra hole away at Mentmore!! Nice one!! Karen Crane won the Three Locks Ladies Open and Angela also the prize for the best front 9....our Ladies are a force to be reckoned with.....but we knew that anyway!!!!

Sat 20th April...Looking at the Noticeboards..I see that Tim Smith has entered the Flitwick Oil + 18.....not playing too well at the mo Tim???

Sun 6th April.... cancel the line below......4" of snow means the medal is cancelled!!!!! Summer????? No chance!!!

Sat 5th April...the end of a tax year and the first day of buggies on the golf course.....all is set for a magnificent Spring and Summer......the Masters is next week and the pressures on the pros playing the final holes next Sunday with the Green Jacket in sight will be interminable....how many of us could even pull the club back with that number of people standing 5 yards in front, let alone still hit it straight down a fairway??? The pressures exist at all levels of the game....a certain member in the medal had a stormer....recording a birdie 3 up the 1st and a birdie 4 on the 8th to be level par gross at the turn...by the 15th the score had crept up slightly to 4 over gross, but with an 8 handicap to play with, a nice sub 70 nett score looked pretty straightforward.....until a chunked tee shot on 16, a chunked recovery chip, a lag to 8ft and a miss from 8ft recorded a 5....never mind, on with the 17th....decent drive, wayward 2nd, superb 3rd to 8ft, lagged the putt to 12" and casually missed the putt for a par. Bogey 6. Never mind, on with 18. Nailed the drive, way through the 150 yard markers. 100 yards, wedge needed, but flag at top....so a sandwedge attempt to try and stop the ball on the top tier....thinned it through into the pampas grass at the back of the green!!! Found four balls in the pampas, none of which was the one being looked for....lost ball, back up fairway, drop, leave short, chip past the hole, miss it coming back and tap in for a 7!!!! How do I know this in such detail???? It was bl**dy me!!! Stupid game.....

Weds 2nd....a few days of madness on the golf course.....following on from the trolleys between the greenside bunkers and the green.....it gets worse.......

The 6th green, three wheel lines from a motorised trolley clearly visible across the green.......

Mon 31st March...Seniors Awayday at Weston Turville....Patrick arrives with all the golf gear, bag, clubs, shoes, trolley, trolley battery - but no trolley wheels!!! Whilst Patrick didn't win, he said afterwards he had a wheelie good time........

Sun 30th.....the CCTV catches a moment of complete stupidity.....a golfer playing the 9th thins his chip off the side of the green, chips it back on, misses the putt, finally holes it, stands off to one side and watches for several minutes as his playing partners putt out...plenty of time to calm down really...but no....as the final putt drops, he drops his ball on the middle of the green and takes a swipe with the putter...but he missed that as well.....so he picks the ball up, drops it and half volleys the ball into the woods, taking a large divot in the process, which he then retrieves, replaces and walks on......the question is...will he arrive in my office to apologise before I work out who it is.....

whilst searching for and finding the above item, it was astonishing to watch the mornings competition golfers......I would estimate that of the 100% of players reaching the 9th green over 75% had trolleys, and of those with trolleys, over 80% of those trolleys were dragged or driven BETWEEN THE BUNKER AND THE GREEN. Why?? How difficult is it to keep trolleys outside of the greenside bunkers and off the fringes?? And these, with absolutely no doubt whatsoever, were all members....don't believe me?? spend 10 minutes in my office and I will show you!

Sun 30 March....Ray Ramm proves that having all the equipment is a waste of time...he arrives for the Presidents Putter...but forgot his golf shoes....which after a week of heavy rain was not the greatest of starts.....18 holes later and 3rd place......makes you wonder what the point of all the gear is!!!!

Weds 26th Mar... it was probably the wrong thing to say...but once we had started to clear the small pond, I said to Rob, that's great, just don't get the machine stuck in there....with the work 98% finished, the engine revs suddenly plummeted and with no power we had to get it out, sharpish!!! Which is easier said than done!! We managed it in the end, but not before Phil got his feet wet!!!

Bearing in mind the machine is over 13 tonnes, and the bottom of the cab is nearly 4 feet above the bottom of the tracks, you can understand why Phil is not a happy bunny at this point....as if the machine doesn't come out, he is going to have to swim!!!

Tues 25th Mar...I am just about to go down and have a look at the 10th hole, where we are clearing out the small pond in front of the tees, when the seniors call me in to collect my bonus ball winnings...again!!! I had no idea I had won, but was doubly delighted as that meant I had won the Sat Draw as well, for the second time in 3 weeks!!! Happy Days!!

Mon 24th March....a real topsy turvy day...I arrive here at 7.15am.... and the cars start to arrive as bright sunshine floods across the course...less than an hour later there is 2" of snow on the greens and all but 1 car is left.....and it stays there until around 12 noon as the two ball battles with the elements. I have decided that as soon as they are off the course and gone, I'm packing up and going home to enjoy the Bank Holiday!! The two ball come off and head for the bar, where they discuss the difficulties of calculating the breaks on the greens in 2" of snow and generally complained about the pace of the snow!! 10 minutes later, a snap thaw leaves the greens all clear, and players start to arrive almost immediately. So much for the early day as I finally get away at 7.00pm!!

Sat 22nd Mar....Easter Weekend...so it snows/hails!!! The Chalgrave girls are a hardy lot though, Cally and Kay had their Daily Mail Foursomes match arranged against Harpenden Common, with no more days available to get it played....so when the hail storm lashed them as they approached the Church on the 6th hole (sounds like a scene from The Omen!!) added to the fact that they were as far from the Clubhouse as possible, they stayed out and eventually came out winners on the 16th 3&2.

Thurs 20th...the full report of the Chalgrave to Woodhall Spa tour hits my inbox.....a secret anonymous missive from Paul Northcott....oh damn, I'd would never make MI5!!

Mon 17th March....Given that the Vice and the Lady Captain had managed to get themselves into a right pickle on Sat night, the only one left was Captain Braddy, but I thought he had got away with it....until 4.00pm on Monday when he came into the office...."Great night Saturday" said Braddy, "I even got a trophy I didn't win!!" which was a can of worms that really didn't need to be opened......"you won the Gibson +50" I said.... "No I didn't, I didn't win anything this year" came the reply. So I checked my records...." Steve, you owe me £25 then" I said......as my records clearly showed that Braddy had had the £25 voucher for coming 1st...the Honours Board bears his name, and the website showed that it was a Bogey Par competition where Braddy stormed it by a mile......" oh yes" said Braddy, " I remember now, I shot a 74 that day"
You honestly couldn't make it up........

.....as an addendum to the 12th March entry below......Weedo paid up on the £10 bet.....2 bunkers on day one made it a real challenge, as the main course at the National Golf Centre is bunkered in a way that few courses can match....they are everywhere, deep, and are shaped so that anything rolling within a mile of them will end up in there!!!

Sat 15th March...Annual Presentation Dinner.....a stonking night out and a source of much merriment....if you missed it as you thought Annual Dinners are a boring affair....well you need to come to one of ours!!!!! Where do we start??? The Vice Captain finally realised the full extent to which he had missed a five month long wind up....back in October last year (see the entry and piccy for Oct 15th below) the Vice made the fashion faux pas of dressing exactly the same as the Lady Mayor of Dunstable at a golf day. Within days, the photo adorned the Clubhouse walls, except that the heads were swapped around
Over the next five months, the photo was viewed and laughed at by many, except for The Vice, who managed to not see it week after week and month after month....until a week before the Annual Dinner when he finally caught on....by which time the arrangements were in place for his entire table to have laminated placemats with the photo in its entirety, the TV had a full size picture on it as well, DW was presented with his chains of office and referred to in speeches as Lady Mayor, which in fairness, he took with good humour all night......I have no doubt whatsoever, that retribution is being planned....

The Lady Captain fared little better....as one of the early recipients of a trophy, Ann collected the Ladies Spring Trophy, and promptly managed to break it before she got back to her seat!!! Clasping the porcelain figure firmly, Tiger set off back to her seat, but unfortunately the heavy base and the weaker porcelain decided to part company with a resounding crash, leaving Ann with a bit of trophy and the rest of us in tears....it could only have happened to Tiger!!! If anyone fancies sponsoring the new Spring Trophy......

Weds 12th March....Weedo pops in for a beer and we are discussing his impending trip to Woodhall Spa, home of some of the deepest bunkers in golf.....so a bet now exists, 2 rounds for Dave over the two Woodhall courses.....he owes me £10 if he goes in 5 or more times over 2 days......watch this space....

Weds 12th March... For the third consecutive day, the course is battered by gale force winds, but today is by far the strongest winds of the week....so I venture out to the 18th tee to see if the green is driveable from the tee......I manage 3 tee shots, in 5 minutes!!! It takes that long to get the ball to stay on the tee peg!!! The best I do, is 40 yards short, with the ball virtually plugging on impact!!! Firm ground, and it would have been OOB through the back of the green!!!....but all this pales into insignificance, against the 10-12 or so barking mad people who actually went out and played 18 holes!!! Within those, were a 4 ball of visitors, including Mr Norman Hewitt, a member at Clapham, who managed a Hole in One on the 10th!!! (well it was bound to be easy down there sheltered from the wind!!)

Fri 7th March....Paul Marshall achieves what may be a club record....he visits 3 different fairways, none of which were the one he was supposed to be playing, during the play of a single hole....sit back and enjoy!!!! On the 17th tee, all is well. The ball sit nicely upon its tee peg ready for the drive at what is, in fairness, one of the wider fairway targets, especially on the back 9......but he missed it....by 60 yards, landing nicely on the 13th fairway. A poor 2nd shot (when you consider that the first shot, missing its intended target by 60 yards was not described as poor, this gives an adequate balance in terms of the quality of the 2nd shot) saw him cross the ditch and end up in front of the 13th tees......you are by now wondering how the hell you get onto TWO different fairways from here.....easy really. A very poor third shot ( for reference, re-read the reference to a "poor" shot above and then think how bad it must be to add the word "VERY" in front of that!!) saw the ball cannon off the wheelie bin by the 13th tee and ricochet up the 12th fairway!! The 4th shot, in the circumstances was quite good, as for the first time on the entire hole, the ball actually headed towards the green instead of away at an angle!!! but landed well short on the 8th fairway. A chip onto the green and "cough" putts meant that a blob was recorded!!

Thurs 28th Feb... Weedo casually asked about the legality of his Taylor Made R7 Driver....and I offered to check it out for him on the R & A Website.... Dave is now taking one of the new square head drivers out on demo for the weekend medal after his driver failed its test!!! So anyone who has lost money to Weedo on the course so far this year....compensation claims can be submitted with immediate effect!!!!

Fri 22nd Feb... the third poker night gets underway with another good crowd despite a number of regulars being away....Dave Fryer takes the title and wins a place on the Champion of Champions Table to take place in December. The next date is 21st March....Good Friday.....well someone always gets crucified so it seemed quite apt really.....

Mon 18th Feb....Committee Meeting and CCTV is being focused up.....when Nick decides to check everything is working....judge for yourself!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flkDoQNQ9wQ

Thurs 14th Feb...CCTV is being installed at the Club, to enhance the security of vehicles left in the car park and to provide visual cover of the entrance to the clubhouse and the lobby area and views of the starting tees to assist with sending people to the clearest tee to start their rounds.....From the clubhouse, I will have views of the 1st and 4th Tees and the 9th and 18th Greens.....the system is set up to record movement, so anyone who misses a short putt on 18 or tops the ball into the pond on the 1st is in danger of appearing on the website!!! The only person who is safe is Happy Horwood, whose swing is so short, the system probably won't recognise that as movement. Big Brother is watching you!!!!! 

Sat 26th Jan... My son Aidan and myself are on the 1st tee ready to play Paul Northcott and Roy Evans in the Plate matchplay....yes the standard of players in the Plate this year is exceptionally high.......so I rummage around in my bag for a couple of balls for us to play with and come up with a pair of Titleist PTS Solos....I say to Aidan, you play the no 2 and I'll play the 4...moments later we are ready to start, but I can't find a coin to toss up with, so I hide my ball in my hand and say to Roy....is it odd or even numbered??.. Roy looks puzzled for a moment, then says well seeing that 2 and 4 are even, we will go with even and you can tee off!!!!....DUH!!!

Fri 18th Jan.... the culmination of one of the finest bluff's poker has seen anywhere.... as Ann "texas scramble" Woods manages to continue with a believable impression throughout the evening that she was the daft Irish bird with little or no idea how to play..... even when she ends up Heads Up in the final pair.....and after 20 minutes of neither player getting nowhere in the heads up...Ann cements the image of not knowing what is going on, by calling an "All In" from Geoff, with a 9 5 unsuited....probably the most unsuited hand for calling an All In!!! She does, of course lose this hand to go behind in the final for the first time....five minutes later, it is all over, with Ann cleaning up the top prize of £130...whereupon she promptly heads for the bar and buys everyone a drink!!! Do you fancy taking on Texas Scramble Woods??? Get your name down for the next event...Fri 22nd Feb...

Mon 7th Jan...... a happy New Year to you all......hopefully the next 12 months will be just as entertaining on the newspages as the last one was.....so we start with a gem.....
Ann Woods, in the bar at the weekend, discussing the upcoming Poker Night where she has reserved her seat..... "I've played poker before loads of times, but I have never played TEXAS SCRAMBLE Poker (as opposed to Texas Hold'em!!). Right Ann...the rules presumably are that you play in teams of three, pick the best hand, see three flops, pick the best flop, see three turn cards, pick the best turn, see three river cards and pick the best river....gonna need more than one pack of cards for that game!!!! I can't wait to see Ann at the poker table.......

2008

Fri 21st Dec....you can get some scary weird stuff on email these days.....viagra.....offers of a share of £10 million from Nigeria.....and a Xmas Card from Happy Horwood.....why scary...well see for yourself......what makes it doubly scary...is that Happy himself sent it to me by email......which is definitely the most scary thing on the www!!!

Tues 18th Dec...told you it was going to be a long one.....the seniors set off to the tees for their competition.....4 players make there way to the 4th tee to start...only 3 make it....John Jewell ends up elsewhere.....they play a competition that has some strange rules...2/3 of full handicap over 13 holes = number of mulligans available!!!... 28 handicappers get 19 mulligans on 13 holes.....and still don't win!!! I don't understand it either!!!

Tues 18th Dec...Senior Captains Farewell Competition.....7.30am....Dick Chittock is first into the Clubhouse (behind me of course) and he picks up his scorecard ready for the competition. He takes a colour card, the two fold one, and tears off the top bit so that it is a smaller single fold card......ignoring the fact that this is what the black and white ones already are.....except that he tears off the wrong bit, so that he still has the "cover" and the front 9..........it is going to be a long, long day today!!!!!

Sun 9th Dec.... a story reaches me about Harry McGarry....one not that dissimilar from his last appearance on these pages...I refer you to the entry for 27th October below....drink, train, sleep, Bedford, Gatwick and finally home at 7.00am... well this has been surpassed.... this time another drink, leaving do for a mate, on the train, fall asleep arrive in Bedford having slept through his stop in Harlington....knowing that this was not the first occasion, Harry disembarked at Bedford, changed platforms and gave himself a sound talking to during the 40 minute wait on a cold platform waiting for a train to take him back to Harlington. The self motivating pep talk centred around the need to stay awake and concentrate....train leaves Bedford...Harry arrives in...Kentish Town before he wakes up!!! Out of the train, kicks the litter bin in anger, slaps himself, shouts at himself, changes platforms and finally embarks on a train back to Harlington...... where he wakes up in Bedford!!!!Another litter bin bears the brunt of the assault, another talking to another self slap and finally this time, hard enough to keep him awake back to Harlington where he arrives home at 7.00am, exactly the same time as he did the London, Bedford, Gatwick and Harlington trip. Harry's missus is getting him a sign for Christmas, to hang around his neck..."If asleep, please slap very hard until he wakes anytime before Harlington station" 

Sun 9th Dec..... Kids Party...Santa arrived in his float, thanks to the Round Table who made a detour from doing the rounds in the local villages to come down and hand out the presents for the Kids Party....60 kids were in awe as the float came down the driveway, with Santa waving from the Chimney....as always, a packed clubhouse enjoyed whole event.

Sun 9th Dec... Turkey Trott...two clubs and a putter in pretty grim conditions, but despite this 55 players ventured out onto a sodden course, and promptly got even wetter. Most capitulated after 9 holes, but a few hardy souls made it all the way around. Kevin Horrell had an interesting round, bearing in mind it was 2 clubs and a putter...he snapped his long iron early on, which made it a tad difficult!!! 24 points tells the story!!! As always, there is someone, however bad the conditions, who beats par with just the 2 clubs.. Dave Tibbles romped home with a fabulous 38 points off 11 handicap, followed by Matt and Mick Oakley on 35 and 33 points respectively. See the competition result page for the full result.   

Fri 7th Dec....The inaugural poker night went down a storm with Tony "The Snake" Cottrell winning the event after a great heads up tussle with Graham "The Bear" Taylor (well it could easily have been The Turnip!!!!) Mark Mansfield was by far the most consistent performer of the night, being first out of the main event and then as a second table restarted once the final 8 on the main table had been decided, he went all in holding a pair of Aces, and was called by Dave "Jammy" Weedon. Weedo had a 9 high!!! but managed to draw a straight on the last card, to put Mark out first for the second time in one night!!!

Thurs 29th Nov....It has been quiet on the news front for a bit, but then  as always, an absolute gem turns up....featuring someone who has been away from the news pages for a while, but is always likely to add to his extensive repertoire of news stories...John Steele. Last week, John had booked his tickets for himself and his wife for the annual seniors dinner......and left home in good time to make it for the start.....except he couldn't remember where the venue was, despite it being at St Vincents in Houghton Regis for the 2nd year in a row......he racked his brains but to no avail and ended up missing the event and taking his wife for a Chinese instead!!!! Now the Seniors Dinner is subsidised by the section on the basis of regular players throughout the year get the greatest contribution towards their dinner costs....so his regular appearances on Tuesday were to no avail. On top of that, the bill for the Chinese meal had to be added, and the icing on the cake......John's wife had been out to buy a new outfit especially for the occasion!!!!! I haven't seen John since....maybe he has forgotten where he plays golf now!!!

Tues 27th Nov.... Ken Goodland brings me a copy of an article about the Rule changes for golf that take effect from 1st Jan 2008. Amongst the many minor amendments, (28 of the 34 Rules have been amended so you will all have to read the Rule Book!!!) including Rule 19-2 which has reduced the penalty for being hit by your own ball in play from 2 strokes to 1, whilst in Matchplay it will be a stroke penalty instead of loss of hole.....but the other big change is more of a catch up really by the R & A. Rule 12-2 will allow players to lift a ball for identification in a hazard or if a ball is buried or half-buried in a bunker......our Seniors have been doing this for years!!!!!! Clearly they are more advanced than the R & A!!!!!

Fri 16th Nov...look out for the big money game this weekend....Dave Weedo and Chris Webb take on Nick Hawker and Mark Mansfield in the matchplay doubles....and there is a side bet of 20 a man to the winners.....so the kitty stands at £60.20 as Weedo, Mark and Nick all paid the expected £20 into the fund, and Webby thought they meant 20p!! Could be a big newsblog entry on Monday if Webby has to cough up the rest and then loses.... the prospect is so full of humour it is almost worth just being in the clubhouse for when they come off......

Sun 11th Nov....how about this for some serious pre planning.....6.30am....Tim Smith lands at Heathrow on his return from Down Under....gets back home and pauses only long enough to collect his trolley battery (been on charge for 21 days) which he puts in the car having loaded the clubs and trolley 21 days previously with this scenario in mind....the objective is to get to the Club, play golf with the SNOBS, so that he can stay up all day and hopefully get his body clock back onto UK time nice and quickly and negate the effects of jet lag. He arrives at the Club to find the If Only comp is on....but just in time for a no show space to appear so he enters the Competition....and arrives at the 1st tee carrying his trolley bag!!! The three weeks of pre planning having gone down the drain with the failure to put the trolley in the car!!!! This was 3 weeks before jetlag set in!!!!! 18 holes carrying a trolley bag, downpour and a cold wind having spent 3 weeks in Australia...I bet he slept well last night....had a top 10 finish though so did pretty well all things considered!!!

Sun 11th Nov....the 10th green definitely won....Kelvin Weedon nailed his tee shot to 2 ft, missed the downhiller and walked off with a 7....I was the only one of my group of three to clear the water as Alan Michael and my son Aidan both found the need to donate to the Captains Charity...two reloads and two 5's, whilst I missed the green high and left, left the chip shot on the fringe, still high and left, left the downhiller 8 ft short, left the next downhiller 2 ft short, missed that one and walked off with an 8!!! I might have to remove the video on the home page for a bit!!!

Sun 11th Nov...for the second successive competition, the course won!!! Cold and windy, with a downpour thrown in for the early starters.....of which Ray Hughes wasn't one of them....despite this advantage of staying dry, Ray Hughes didn't quite grasp the concept of the If Only....as a strokeplay competition, you get the 72 par of the course, plus your full handicap allowance of strokes to get as far around the course as possible. Those under par after 18 holes go back up the first, or second or even the third as has happened in the past. The winner is the player who gets the furthest, so it can become a longest drive competition on the 1st!!!. Ray, however, had already used his complement of 17 handicap strokes by the time he had finished the 4th hole!!! Not a happy day for Ray!!!

Mon 5th Nov....a response from Comps Supremo Nick Hawker....having been asked to double check a score in the ABL by Graham " I won the entire 2's sweep" Catchlove as Grahams overall score was shown differently to the score that Graham thought he had achieved..... so as requested, Nick double checked.....and emailed me back his findings....confirming that the result was correct as posted with Graham's score of 90 -12 = 78 being correct....out in 44, back in 46, but the card showed that as totalling 88!! Graham by trade is an accountant, and Nick wants him to do his tax return for him now!!!

Mon 5th Nov.... well it is Monday, so it should not really be a surprise to get daft phone calls.....Dave McGarry rings in at 8.30am...launches straight into the excuse as to why he was unable to make the AGM on Friday and asks if anything particular happened....No Dave, nothing happened because the AGM is THIS Friday coming, not last Friday.....so no doubt you will be here then Dave!!!!

Weds 31st Oct....some general observations really.....the ABL trophy on Sunday.....wet and windy for the first time in a long time.....and the course showed its teeth and won convincingly with only Joe Silva and Steve Emmett getting par or anywhere near....Happy Horwood in a most uncharitable moment, commented that their centre of gravity and additional ballast gave them an unfair advantage..... and the draw has gone up for the House Committee Pairs....where pairs are drawn at random and always throw up some great pairings that raise the eyebrows....talking of ballast, Mike McGarry and Hugh Kerr will lead off at 8.00am...could be an eclipse that morning!!!!, Cally and Braddy make up a Captains Pairing...and Karen Crane, at random, drew husband John!!! Classic!

Mon 29th Oct....an email from David Bright.....who recently saw Mr Barter's mugshot appearing on the news pages...so he has added his own achievement to our international members list....

David's group won a recent golf day hosted by "The Beat" one of Spain's major radio stations..... their society group is a license for mayhem... calling themselves the Tourettes Golf Society, with misspelt expletives embroidered into their shirts!!! Classic!!!Whilst the above photo made it into the Costa Del Sol equivalent of OK Magazine, the radio station did not offer to interview them live on the radio....I wonder why not!!!!

Sat 27th Oct...a story from the McGarrys about brother Harry....on a night out in London....a few beers then on the train home to Leagrave... but he dozed off and was woken up as the train was about to be parked up for the night at Bedford......so he left the train, changed platforms.. got back on a train...and dozed off.....and was woken as the train pulled into Gatwick!!!!. I kid you not!!! Not bad for a single ticket from Kings Cross to Leagrave!!! He finally arrived home at 7.00am having got on the train home before midnight!!!! He played golf today.....wanted to play 9 holes....I'm not falling for that one...I charged him for a day ticket!!!!

Weds 24th Oct.. a confession from Nick....what with losing keys on tour and all the rest...he asks me to change the Handicap adjustment for David Gould as he has managed to make a mistake...Nick says he clearly can't add up either....I would say the problem is worse Nick, it was subtraction not addition that was wrong!!!!

Tues 23rd Oct.. another snippet from the Tour....Jose Silva...perhaps when you see him you can just make a small high pitched beeping sound as you walk past him....he just ignores it anyway which is why he reversed the hire car into something despite it being fitted with reversing warning sensors!!!! Joe uttered the immortal line "what the f*** is that beeping sound" seconds before impact!!! Apparently the guys also parked in the hotel car park, but were fined for taking up more than one space with the vehicle!!! There will be more stories I have no doubt.....watch this space!! 

Mon 22nd Oct...a good day for stories today....I was recounting the irony and humour of me dealing with the guys in the golf society who arrived on Sunday afternoon. They were all profoundly deaf, so sign language and lip reading was required. Now whilst I can't sign, I am pretty good on the lip reading so they were pleasantly surprised, when they asked for a lager at the bar, to not only be understood but to be asked if they wanted Stella or Fosters!!! It did take me a few moments to realise that every time I leaned over to collect glasses off their table, I was interrupting conversations though!!! Nick, in all seriousness, asked how they would know if someone hit a bad shot at them.....after all, holding up one hand showing 4 fingers to a bloke 250 yards away is not really going to cut it really!!! whilst Cally suggested maybe a whistle would work.....now I hate to state the obvious Cally, but taking the pea out of the whistle wouldn't make the slightest difference!!!!   

Mon 22nd Oct...Nick, back from the European Tour, tells me of Tony Hawkers momentous 5 iron shot.....a shot of such magnitude and distance that he took over an hour to reach the ball for his next shot....having climbed to the plateau of Table Mountain overlooking Cape town in South Africa, taking his 5 iron and a couple of balls with him...he launched a glorious, wind assisted shot over the precipice, which in theory could have travelled as far as the 3,563ft back down!!!

Mon 22nd Oct...more from the European Tour....Mick Yule, 900 miles of flights, van changes, lost keys, just lost generally and finally arrives at the first tee of the first course to play......an air shot!!!!

Mon 22nd October....Stories from Europe...Chalgrave on Tour, somewhere in Spain.....Tim Smith, Nick Hawker and Mick Yule sharing a room do something entirely out of character for them in terms of using common sense...clearly hadn't been there long enough to get beered up and forget about doing sensible things like hiring the key to use the room safe for money, passports, keys, credit cards etc etc... a few hours later (presumably after they were now beered up, mass panic ensues as the key is lost!!! The room was turned upside down in the search, which presumably made it look tidier, but all to no avail. Hire of the key was 27 Euros, Locksmith was 18 euros to drill out the lock, which had to be done as they were due on the golf course in a couple of hours and the hire car keys were in there....

This all followed after it took three goes to unload and load the vans at the airport...1st one load it up, but can't get everyone and all the gear in, unload, bigger van, everything in, everyone on, dead battery!!! Unload, reload, everyone on drive away in good time to lose keys in a few hours....and then the intelligence test.....you have one member of your party (Jose Silva) who speaks the lingo....and you are just 30 minutes away from the course, so they said to Joe, you go on and we will meet you there...if you thought the safe was bad, you won't believe this....they did meet up, 3 1/2 hours later...having got lost (obviously!!) and finally only making it by virtue of finding a decent sized town, finding a taxi, paying the taxi to go to the golf club and them following it!!!!! This is just the early snippets that have made their way through to me.....oh and that safe key...can you imagine the look on their faces when it is discovered on the floor between Nicks bed and his suitcase.....PRICELESS!!!

Sat 20th Oct....Happy Horwood becomes Very Happy Horwood as the result for the Competition Committee Cup goes up.....no he didn't win it, or even in the top three, but he was only one of two people to get a 2 and so claims the prize of £11.25 for his share of the sweep.....OK, nice result, but why did that make the news pages then??? Because on the morning of the competition, Happy had £3 in his pocket when he came into the Pro Shop to enter....Entry inc 2's is £3.50.....Happy said "I can't be bothered to go back to the car to get some more money, don't bother with 2's this time"..... Dan Glass is entering at the same time, says "Here's 50p I'll sponsor you!!" Happy says "I'll give you the money if I win...." Dan says.."No mate, its ok"..... classic bit of judgement there Dan.... 22 times the entry fee in payout....except he didn't even enter....

Mon 15th Oct...Dan Glass brings me a picture of Dave Weedon and his twin sister, the Chair of South Beds DC at a recent Charity Golf Day at Dunstable Downs. The pair are identical, and one has to wear a large necklace so they can be identified. The trouble is I don't know which one wears the necklace....

Mon 15th Oct....Peter Graydon emails me with a fishy story from his weekend of golf....in yesterdays, Competition Committee Cup, Pete was grouped in with Neil Tabor and Steve Alexander. Neil was extolling the virtues of his new putter, having ditched his old blade putter for a new "mullet" one. Neil said he was stitched up like a kipper and beaten by all the sharks out there. He had been on an intensive weekend of training leading up to the competition, lifting loads of barbels, but left after people started carping on at him. He holed a long putt early on and nearly fell off his perch when he saw it drop. Missing a short one at the next hole left him floundering though. Neil tried to tell me about it, but I had my herring aid switched off. He holed another long one later on, with the precision of a sturgeon wielding a scapel. Neil declined some advice from a lady horserider on the 10th, saying the old trout knew nothing about golf and should stick to riding. He said she was a bit chubby as well, but she did ask him for a date and he went all Koi. As well as a new putter, Neil had a new pair of shoes which were starting to rub on his eels. Well.....it's quiet here today!!!!

Neil's Mullet Putter, also used and endorsed by Ernie Eels!!

Tues 2nd Oct....Not for the first time does a senior sheepishly put his head around my office door and ask if I have any spare clubs.....Peter Kane this time rather than John Steele has taken my spare set for a stroll!!! You would think that the car boot being empty looking when the shoes were put in would have been a bit of a clue but there you go!!!

Mon 24th Sept...Cally sends me an email about the latest victories of the Ladies section.....Last Tuesday, Sarah, Kay, Karen and Cally played the Wavendon Open.  Sarah and Cally both had 31 points which was the winning score - on countback Sarah got 1st prize and Cally got 2nd. On Wednesday, Kay and Cally played in the Bedfordshire Ladies Past Captains day.  Kay and Cally won the 4-ball better ball in the afternoon and Cally came 2nd in the bronze division singles. Cleaned up really....

Sun 23rd Sept....Weedo's round!!! Nice busy day, ideal time to ace the 13th Dave!! £55 later on the bar...still off double figures though Dave!!!

Fri 21st Sept....Alan Michael plays one of the most astonishing opening tee shots ever played here at Chalgrave. Picture the scene....the Friday afternoon boys all on the first tee....a strong Chalgrave wind is blowing into their faces. Alan Michael tees off and watches the ball sail right.....very right. Some 4 .5 hours later, sitting in the bar enjoying a pint, I ask him if he knows anything about the ball that is clearly in view from the windows of the bar, on the slope towards the 18th green, beyond the picnic tables!!!!! By my approximate calculations, that is a ball that has travelled around 120yards in a straight line from the point of impact, having missed the intended target area by more than 200 yards!! Webby...you thought you had problems!!! 

Fri 21st Sept....News from last weekends foursomes competition.....Now foursomes is a real test of friendship....there can be no more frustrating game than foursomes when one player is playing well and the other is playing badly!!!! So how about a story from Captain Braddy (who finished 4th ~ just out of the prizes) with partner Bob Albery. Having had a nice par on the 11th, they strolled up the hill to the 12th where Braddy teed of with a fine drive down the centre of the fairway, nicely past the dogleg corner....except he had played from the yellows!!! 2 shot penalty then chaps!!! On the 16th, Braddy pushes the tee shot right, way into the trees, Bob plays a provisional, but hooks it left into the trees on the otherside!!! Fortunately, the 1st ball is found but with no options except to hit out towards the 17th tee!! They manage a reasonable 4 from this position, but the chance has gone!!!

Thurs 20th Sept....now I'm a pretty laid back easy going sort of guy.....(well at least I think I am!!!) but nothing makes my blood boil more than stupid, deliberate damage to the course. Rob has just emailed me the pictures of damage that was caused last week to the 5th and 17th greens, on the same day. We have had a problem with scuff marks on greens for some time....so please pick your feet up, don't drag your spikes across the surface.....but this set of scuff marks are over 5 ft long....that is both lines are 5 feet long.....so this is deliberate. The divot on the 5th green, well the size of it should be compared to Rob's size 9.5 feet and the size of the hole cup alongside....

I will be explicitly clear on this one. Anyone who causes deliberate damage in this way will be banned from the Club. For good.

Weds 19th Sept...John Crane enlightens me about his laser accuracy shot from the Tuesday evening...playing with Webby, they are looking at the 3rd green from the middle of the 3rd fairway with about 190 yards to go....JC (could be a good set of initials for a miracle shot!!!) gets a bit of slice onto the 2nd shot, and the ball veers sharply right beyond the ditch, slams into the red marker stake and ricochet's back towards the front of the green, now with so much side spin that it curves nicely onto the green and comes to rest a short distance from the pin. JC lags the putt to 6" and holes for a birdie 4 nett 3 and 4 points!!! Now you have got to be damn good to get exactly the right amount of slice spin onto the shot to hit a piece of wood 2.5" wide with a golf ball that is about 1.5" wide, in such a way that the spin that is imparted after impact is just enough and of the right sort to swerve the ball around the Captains bunker, and up onto the green !!!

Tues 18th Sept...Mark Mansfield emails me to let me know the Dan Glass, Vice Capt Weedo and himself can now been seen in glorious colour on the Loudmouth Golf website. Scroll down through the pictures on the following link!!!  http://www.loudmouthgolf.com/photogallery.html Loudmouth Golf is coming to Chalgrave....There are 10 pairs of Loudmouth trousers on order....so make sure you have your sunglasses in your bag when you come up to play....there will be some bright stuff out on the course in the near future!!!!

Thurs 13th Sept.... thats what I like to see....a robust defence when under attack from all sides....Mark Mansfield emails me to defend his position following the impossibly bad 25 points scored last Sunday (just in case you hadn't heard about it!!!). He tells me that he came up last night with Dave Weedo, who of course was at the other end of the result sheet, having won it with 45 points!! As an experiment, the two of them played the course in the same format as Sunday, 3/4 Handicap, best individual score to count on each hole.....and came off with 48 points!!! Mark tells me that that the moral of this story is.........he is looking for a new partner!!! Ouch!!! No blame being apportioned here then!!!

Thurs 13th Sept....Seniors Match v Bierton....9.30am start...which is what Captain Dougie told me last night....shame he didn't tell his own team, most of whom are already here at 8.15am!!!

Weds 12th Sept...an update for you from the competition on Sunday 9th....you will have read about Mark and Kevin and their slightly less than good score......well Kevin almost achieved the impossible....you will have to think hard for this one...how do you almost go out of bounds from the 17th medal tee???? Well, you first have to hit the ball from the centre of the sweet spot of the heel of the club....it has to have a sweet spot or how else can it manage to travel almost 150 yards at 45 degrees from the intended line...well I assume at this point that the intended line was down the middle of the 17th fairway but with a score as bad as it was at that point, strange things could have been going on in the mind....a thought process of " right I have been slicing the ball 100 yards right for the last 6 holes, I will correct that by aiming 100 yards left in the first place" is one option I suppose!! I digress....having virtually decapitated his playing partner off the tee, the ball came to rest just yards in bounds by the practice greens by the clubhouse!!!! Regrettably a unique opportunity was missed as Kev failed to navigate to the 17th green via the 18th fairway....these opportunities present themselves rarely in ones golfing career and should not be passed by without taking advantage or at least having a go!!!

Sun 9th Sept....oh where do we start??? How about with me??? Brewer Baston Bowl, playing with Aidan, 9.04 start, Hugh rings me at 8.35am to ask where I am....Just leaving...you are supposed to tee off at 8.40am!!! 2 shot penalty for us and unbelievable levels of entertainment for the rest of the club. There wasn't a single person who didn't know we were late for the start, even those who started ahead of us were taking the mick!!! Still, even with giving everyone a one hole start (we blobbed the 1st for the record, but we did have a putt each at it for a point!!) we still managed 41 points and 8th place, so there!!! Captain Braddy turns up with his new electric trolley....now he has passed his test he thinks he can drive anything!!!! This clearly proves he can't!!! Despite having the suspension of the trolley lowered so he can reach and operate the switch on the handle, he was seen by new El Presidente Gibbo struggling up towards the 1st green after giving the trolley a bit of a push all of the way up the 1st.....close investigation reveals that the axle is turning on battery power nicely, but the wheels, which are marked L & R (there is a clue there somewhere) are on the wrong sides, so they are in freewheel mode when being driven forwards by the axle!!!! Personally, I would have let him push it further John!!! and finally......Mark Mansfield and Kev Clinton deserve a mention....25 stableford points between them!! that is both players play their own ball, and the best score between them counts as their team score....and they manage an astonishing 11 over par nett score between them!!!!!! To put this into context, a few weeks ago we had the Franklin Stableford, where it was individual scores that counted.....and 42 people out of the 47 who entered would have beaten them using one ball!!!

Sat 8th....well the results of practising by the Tabors and Tilcocks were consistent....(see 1st Sept)....the Tilcocks finishing 3rd from the top and the Tabors 3rd from the bottom!!!

Thurs 6th Sept....9 hole competition, Mick Yule wins the award for the worst approach shot to the 14th ever seen in the 14 years that golf has been played at Chalgrave....imagine the 14th hole....now picture where the 12th tee is in relation to the green......now picture the grass pathway that the greenstaff use that heads up towards the 7th green....go 10 yards up that path and you will have found Mick Yule, chipping back to the 14th!!!

Weds 5th Sept....a story (true one) about Bernie (the taxi) Neal...in between his airport executive run, he does a short run for a little old lady to pick her and her shopping up from Tescos and take her home.....Bernie is running late for an airport job as the shopping has taken longer than expected...woman.....shopping.....shop still open.....what more do you expect Bernie??? so he races into the pickup spot, jumps out of the car, loads the bags into the boot for her jumps back in and away we go.....gets to the roundabout when the phone rings...." Hello Bernie, where are you???" asks the little old lady. Bernie turns in his seat, glances into the back of the cab....empty!!! Oops forgot the passenger!!!

Tues 4th Sept....Tarby has officially qualified to become a Senior. He was already there in age, but now there in mind as well now....came in the this morning, bought himself a coffee and 2 minutes later couldn't remember where he put it down....yup....fully qualified senior now!!!

Mon 3rd Sept...a snippet reaches me about the Lady Captain....taking 4 shots to get past the Ladies Tee on the 2nd at Wensum Valley GC despite hitting the ball three times!!!!!!! What???? Tee shot, slams into a tree 40 yards in front of the tee, ball fizzes back past the group and comes to rest 30 yards behind the tee....2nd shot, disturbed the atmosphere but nothing solid as the ball remained untouched as the clubhead passed serenely 2" above the ball......3rd shot....almost the second again, but got just enough on it to move it forward a few yards, but still well short of where it started from....and finally the 4th shot makes it way successfully past the starting point and in the right direction.......

Mon 3rd Sept...Committee Meeting.....usual bits of chat....finish meeting then a general chat in the bar.....Webby, Nick and Mick Yule are all two months into giving up smoking....Nick and Mick appear to have coped with the abolition of the weed reasonably well, but Webby appears to be becoming a little more rotund....Webby said he hadn't grasped the concept of the economics of giving up smoking.....whilst he is saving £15 ~ £20 a week on not buying fags, he is spending £50 a week on new shirts and trousers as his old ones don't fit anymore!!! (Including the new "comfort fit" jeans he was in last night!!" Quotes of the night..."even my feet are getting fat!!!" and leaving with the line "right, gotta go, got some pies in the oven waiting for me!!!"

Sun 2nd Sept.....Mick Yule shows me a card he has just completed, having just taken the twins, Craig and Jason out for their first ever complete 18 hole round....the two lads are 9 years old, and were celebrating in the bar as they both broke 200!!! (Just!!) - (by one shot one of them!!) Add in Micks 80 something....almost 500 shots for 18 holes....Mick lost the will to live by the time they reached the 2nd green!!!

Sat 1st Sept......Neil Tabor and Ray Tilcock return to the bar after their regular Saturday 18 holes with the wives....In the bar, we often hear great stories of glorious shots, " I aced the 10th, and magnificent albatross 2 on the 6th, an eagle from 75 yards on the 9th etc etc......Neil opens the conversation at the bar with..."we have just been practising for the mixed greensomes next Saturday"....doesn't quite gel with the normal boasts does it!!!! So look out for the results next week....see if practising had any effect...

Tues 28th Aug....Bright and early, before the Seniors arrive, Angela and Sarah meet up at the club before making their way to play in a county ladies event at Beds & County....little more than an hour later, I get a phone call from Angela, asking me to fax across CONGU Handicap Certificates as the small wallet sized ones that we have been using are "not acceptable" to the County Competition organisers.....so I duly print out and fax back the required certificates, showing the identical information (which could also have been seen on this website). I can imagine some choking on cucumber sandwiches going on as Sarah and Angela stormed away with the afternoon foursomes stableford competition!!! Now if my memory serves me correctly, I make that 2 - 0 to the Ladies Section this year as far as County Honours are concerned.........

Tues 28th Aug.....exactly a month ago I reported the auction of the Frank Lampard signed memorabilia at Charity Day.....and there is an addendum to it now.....the arrangement was that Richard Scott and Dave Weedon, who both won the auction, would acquire the shirt they wanted signed, and Donny would get the items signed by Frank Lampard....pretty straightforward so far....so the items arrived, Richard bringing in a blue Chelsea top, and Dave had sent Liz out to buy an England shirt ....Liz duly returns with the white shirt of England....with a Number 6 and TERRY across the back!!! There's a clue there somewhere!!

Weds 22nd Aug....Been away for few days.. hence the sudden no news for a week!!! Don't worry..there is always plenty of news here!! A snippet and a piccy for you..... our International Associate Membership section sends details of a recent success...9 months to the day after his wedding.....Phil Barter is now a proud.....winner of a golf competition!!! Representing the UK against the USA with his brother Simon and another past member John Hope.. shooting as a team a nett 53 to win by 4 shots from the yanks!!! Is a bandit still a bandit in the USA or is it something different??? Phil recorded 2 eagles on the back 9....including a 138 yard ace at the par 3 16th, described by PB as "a 138 yard stroke of pure genius with my pitching wedge". Nice to see that the American way of over promoting yourself hasn't affected you yet Phil!!!

Tues 14th...Mick Moulton arrives this morning having finally remembered to go with the summer shorts instead of long trousers....only for it to be pouring with rain when he gets here!!! Still, you would think that at least not wearing slippers would be an improvement.....what? instead of sandals in the rain???

Mon 13th Aug...Bish Bishun explains why he is playing golf in an old pair of spectacles....he was clearing up his garden, bonfire, branches, leaves etc...he scraped up a pile of stuff with his rake, caught his £300 glasses with the rake handle, pulled them off and they landed in the fire...but he couldn't see where as he needed his glasses!!! So now he is back to an old pair...should have gone to specsavers!!!

Fri 10th Aug... a seniors moment on a Friday...Mick Moulton arrives to play at 8.45am, having been up at 5 to take his daughter and family to the airport....at 8.45am he realises he is still wearing his slippers!!! I check the dress code...well it doesn't say anything about wearing sheepskin slippers!!! so I let him off with no fine!!!

Thurs 9th Aug...Donny and Harry return after playing the 10th...and Harry recounts the dambuster style shot that has ended up in the drink.....played by Donny!!! 3.5 hours for 10 holes!!! In buggies!!! Donny is now in the bar, shellshocked and contemplating the 9 hole competition!!! 

Thurs 9th Aug...Donny and Harry arrive for a game with two guests, and take two buggies to keep the pace of play up as their guests are best described as novice golfers....Harry asks if he can take the 12 degree square head driver out for a test...but it is already out on the course, so I tell him I will bring it out to him later.....Two hours have elapsed when I drive out to find him with the driver, and catch up with them just short of the 150 yard markers on the 6th......and yes they did start on the 1st!!!! I ask if they are playing a match....to which Harry replies..."Yes, first to grow a beard wins!!!" On the dot of three hours, Donny rings in from the course to order lunch, (and provisionally orders tea and supper) as they have now made it to the 9th Tee!!! Things are speeding up as by 3.20pm they are down on the 10th tee....the jar is waiting on the bar for their return!!! It is just a question of how much, not if!!!

Fri 3rd Aug.....it must be the constant sunshine.....but the daft stories are coming in thick and fast....this time the greenstaff...Darren....ordered himself a new phone, complete with camera and all the gizmos...except it came without a charger, so he phoned and asked for a charger...which arrived the following day...so far so good...plugged it in and charged it all night as you are supposed to do....still no problem....took it off the charger this morning and it didn't work...no power....decided to consult the troubleshooting section of the manual, which was in the box, and as he pulled it out of the box, the phone battery fell out as well!! Yes, 16 hours of charging is pretty useless when you don't put the battery in the phone!!! The worrying aspect is that I let him loose on £30,000 worth of mower!!!

Thurs 2nd August....New Moler John Hibbert lasts less than one hole playing with Denis Richards, in a buggy!! John hits his 5th shot onto the green, loses his balance and topples over, displacing his left hip....Ambulance job.....now John, in his short time here as a member has already gained a reputation for some exceptionally bad jokes, so the L&D are going to be in for a shock!! After being pumped full of morphine, he started on the gas and by the time he was in the ambulance it was like he had been down the pub for 4 days solid. He got Denis to retrieve some foil wrapped, battered looking sandwiches from his golf bag "as I don't like hospital food". This is the second time that a member, playing with Denis Richards, has been carted off in an ambulance.....a pattern is starting to emerge...and his normal playing partner, Steve Emmett hasn't been seen for a while either (supposedly in Lanzarote but people believed that Fred West was a nice guy for years!!).

Thurs 2nd August.....a Seniors moment of spectacular proportions..... quite possibly one of the finest ever!!! Richard Muckleston, a senior who has rarely, if ever graced this page with daft moment, excelled himself this morning....Richard has been, according to my records, a member here since March 2000 and has during that time, lived at the same address...in Toddington...less than one mile from the club. This morning, on the way here for his regular Thursday jaunt with his mates (including Ken Goodland who lives virtually next door!!) he gets lost!!! Richard describes it as " I remember turning right and then finding myself in a dead end!!!" Richard has, of course, solved the problem of what he needs for his birthday/christmas now.... a Sat Nav system for the car to get to the Club!!! Alternatively, Ken and Richard, when they come out of their houses at the same time on Tues and Thurs, say "Good Morning" to each other and get into their own cars and drive down to the Club, where they park next to each other in the carpark and get out, saying "Good Morning" to each other, go out onto the course, play 18 holes together, pop in for the occasional pint afterwards, get back into their cars, say " See you later" and drive back to their houses, where they get out and say "Hello there" could consider reducing their carbon footprint by 50% and ensuring that, even if they both get lost on the way to/from the club, they will have someone to talk to until the AA arrives to rescue them!!!! There are people out there who are convinced I just make these stories up to entertain you...but whilst I have a wild imagination at times it simply does not stretch to these levels!!! 

Weds 1st August....well it finally happened....for the first time since the end of the hot spell at the beginning of April, we have had three days with no rain and we were forced to put the irrigation system on this morning!!! Even more astounding...the 2nd tee has dried out enough so we are on grass again!!! The weather forecast is good for the rest of the week....and no rain means that the greens should get a bit faster...you have been warned!!!

Weds 1st August...had an email from Mark Mansfield, who points out that the Seniors Moment suffered by Steve Alexander, was not confined to Steve A.... I wrote it up giving the date as Tues 2nd August (which won't in fact happen until 2011!!). I have often been accused of living in a dream world, or in the past even, but I have just conclusively proved that I am living in the future!!! Still, look on the bright side...it can't be Alzheimers.... as that requires me to forget it...so it must be dementia then!!! Oh Good!!

Tues 2nd August (actually it was Tues 31st July ~ see above)....A Seniors moment from Past Captain Steve Alexander..... Steve came in yesterday for a few holes, brought his trolley and then elected to go in a buggy...so put everything back in the car...today, he comes in to the office to ask if I know where his trolley battery is as he can't find it anywhere and thinks he left it in the car park when he dismantled his trolley...he tells me he has searched everywhere for it at home and in the car...we have no knowledge of a mislaid battery...so Steve trudges disconsolately away.... 5 minutes later, the phone rings..."Its all right, I've found it" says Steve..." Where was it?" I ask.... "in the house, on the window sill, by the charger" came the reply!!! So....the entire episode of removing the battery from the car, walking into the house, placing it down, exactly where you expect to put it, next to the charger, has been erased from his memory. Add to this that Steve clearly is unable to see a cube shaped object 6" wide, deep and high... in the absolute first place you would look for it!!! Worrying really!!! But then Steve is in that band of golfers who stand on the tee, swing the club, hit the ball, look at their playing partners and say "where did it go??" so not that much of a surprise really!!!

Sat 28th July....The Captains Charity Day has a fantastic field and for once, glorious weather.....and the top story of the day.....we raised over £3,000 for Keech Cottage!!! There was, of course, great humour, as you would expect from this club....We had a sealed bid auction.....which included a shirt signed by Frank Lampard...and there was a tie for the winning bid at £100 each by Richie and Weedo... so we gave them another opportunity to bid against each other....Richie bid £120....and Weedo bid £120.01 !!!! The place was in uproar when the envelopes were opened!!! The winner was the Charity, as Donny (who was organising the shirt) said that they could both have a shirt at £120 (plus Weedo has to pay the extra 1p...) so a great result all round. Weedo's team were resplendent in multi coloured outfits, as they topped the leaderboard for most of the afternoon, only to be eclipsed by the penultimate team home, which sent Dave up the wall!! The wind ups continued as Weedo had been entered on the Ladies Longest Drive Competition....

Mon 2rd July....After the Pro Am at the weekend, the analysis of the scores....Estevan shot a 68, but was paired with Alastair Forsythe who didn't make a single birdie on his way to an 80!! Ann Woods, after being so keen to know who she had been paired with, NR'd despite getting Zach Johnson who was under par for the final round...Padraig's chunks into the water on the 18th simply emulated VJ's entire round, as he sank without trace with a nett 83...and Graham Taylor and Hunter Mahan were the only two who both had sub par scores to win by a street....

Fri 20th July...Richie Scott describes Happy Horwoods trickshot on the 8th in the 9 Hole....Richie is 2 ft from the pin for 3 and Happy has overshot the green and is at the top of the steps behind the green....Richie asks Happy if he wants him to mark his ball...No says Happy, then thins the ball hard across the green, slams it into Richies ball, and Happy's deflects into the hole for a 4 instead of being back off the front of the green and into the bunker!!!

Fri 20th July.... Ann "Tiger" Woods wins the award for the most daft question of the week... and believe me, I have a few!!! Tiger emails me, just before 2.00pm to ask if I have done the draw for the Pro ~ Am on Sunday...and which Pro did she get drawn with??? I responded, pointing out that the 2nd Round is still being played until about 7.00pm tonight, which is the earliest I will be able to do anything...and anyway, all I do is make a set of labels with each qualifiers name on, and on the Sunday Morning, each player in the Pro am draws their partner from the hat when they sign in....except for Tiger who I have already done the draw for as requested...and she drew Jose Maria Olazabal....who withdrew from the event before the start!!

Fri 20th July.... My apologies if the greens are a bit longer than normal on Saturday....owing to some light drizzle today (some of you may recognise this as sarcasm or irony!!), it has not been possible to get the mowers out around the course...and judging by the amount of rain that is now sitting across the course, we may not be able to do much about it tomorrow either....we will try but I can't promise anything!!! The pond on the 1st is 4ft deep again....the 2nd green is a lake as is the 4th!!!

Thurs 19th July.... A follow up from the Mick McGarry story from the Club Champs.... Mick carried around 33 holes, and was wearing a brand new strong purple polo shirt....and in the rain during the afternoon round, some of the colour from the shirt leached into his bagstrap (one of the rucksack style things across both shoulders). Now how do I know this you might be thinking???? Because tonight, after carrying for the 9 Hole Competition, this time in a white polo shirt, the imprint of his rucksack style carry straps in a mild purple pastel shade, is clearly visible across the back of his white shirt!!!!

Thurs 19th July.... another story from Sunday, but this time nothing to do with the Club Champs....John Crane arrives in his sporty 2 seater Beamer M3 for a round.....18 holes with his new Cobra Driver...got a bargain there....£195 instead of the £250 RRP!! so finished the round and puts his clubs back in his car...except that the sporty beamer is too narrow for the bag with the big driver in it to fit in the boot, so as normal, John takes the Driver out of the bag, puts it on top of the bag and slams the boot shut, snapping his driver in two!!! £100 for a reshaft....it is now the most expensive Cobra in the UK!!!

Thurs 19th July... still the Championship stories flood in...Mike McGarry arrived for 36 holes and realised he he forgotten to put his electric trolley in his car...and was going to be faced with a 36 hole carry with dodgy knees and even dodgier back...and then Garham Taylor pipes up "I've got a spare electric trolley in my car" (now own up, how many of you have ever contemplated carrying a SPARE electric trolley with you..EVER??) but Mick has by now psyched himself into carrying mode and turns down the offer....brother Paul though thinks this is the wrong decision and out of brotherly love, goes out, collects the trolley, puts it together and helps to load Mick's bag onto the trolley. Mick makes his way to the 1st tee