CHALGRAVE NEWS
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Sun 7th March....well Colin Barden noticed anyway.......not sure if anyone else did....partly because anyone who was daft enough to brave the icy blasts that swept across the arctic tundra of Chalgrave for the medal on Sunday would have risked severe frostbite of the eyes if you so much as glanced into the wind.....there are new 150 yard markers out there, to complement the new ball washers and new tee mats....but we have also checked the yardages using a laser rangefinder and as a result moved a few of the markers by a few yards. Clearly, global warming has either stretched or shrunk bits of the course over the past 15 years....anyone who complains that the old yardage markers positions have affected their handicap will be required to meet me on the practice ground and demonstrate their personal capability of hitting the any club they fancy exactly 150 yards every time in a range of directions, off a variety of slopes, into and against wind of varying strengths from gentle breeze to howling gale. If you can get 100 consecutive shots to  150 yards with a margin for error of +/- 5 yards, I might consider you have a point. 

 

Mon 1st March .........my greenstaff supply with me with a snippet of news...apparently, according the 3 Counties Radio, Luton was the most miserable place in England last month, having had just 36 hours of sunshine. I have always thought that 3 Counties are prone to exaggeration, and now this is clearly shown to be true....36 hours????? You are having a laugh....more like 10.

 

Mon 22nd.....No!! 4" of snow covers the course again.....this has to be the worst winter we have experienced in 15 years....not just from the levels of wetness and snow, but also from the damage being caused to the infrastructure....whilst there are main roads out there significantly worse than our driveway, it is a serious war of attrition going on between the elements and the green staff and the pot hole filling. Normally a monthly job, it is virtually part of the daily regime at the moment. We will have to see what the long term effect is once the base temperatures finally start to climb. There is some good news as well, we have just equipped the golf course with a fabulous set of ball washers and more winter tee mats amongst other stuff........so now you need to come up and play in poor conditions to make the most of them!!

 

Sun 21st....The Chalgrave micro climate has arrived....all of Bedfordshire is covered in a blanket of snow...except Toddington which is clear and fine, is rather wet. Is this a sign of things to come????Are we now to be absolved of all extremes of weather?????

 

Sat 20th...the evening....Ben David on the disco.....suited and booted and armed with 14 tonnes of 60's and 70's soul and funk....I have to be honest with you.....I never thought I would ever write a sentence with the words soul and funk in it!!! The music gave way to the golf presentations, Chalgrave defending the trophy with a magnificent victory.....which was very handy as the trophy was one of the Ladies ones as we couldn't find the real one!!! Would have been embarrassing if we had had to find a trophy to give them!! ...and then onto the Race Night...with a difference....with the Fire Brigade in attendance, we dumped the horses and had a race to the penthouse suite of the Towering Inferno and back to the lobby....absolute chaos it was!!! (which is just about right for a race night!!!) The sight of Apples, Mossy, Yuley and Jock all in kids plastic fireman's helmets.....enough said....The Emmett family were in attendance and the second race saw the senior Emmett...82 years old, in a fireman's helmet and leading the race.....you can just imagine this in real life...there you are, trapped in the penthouse suite of a blazing tower block, 130 floors up. You have just got back from hospital, where an agency surgeon from Moldovia had performed a surgical procedure on your ingrowing toenails and removed both legs below the knee......you know that your only hope of survival is a fireman's lift down 130 flights of stairs.....the door bursts open and the fire brigade has arrived......82 years old, in a plastic helmet........and a colostomy bag....only joking!!!

 

The race night gave way to Danny and Belinda Glass for live music through until around midnight and then back to the disco until.....  "cough" 2.30am!! Weedo was leaving but had lost Dave Bromley, who was supposed to be staying with him overnight as DB was playing in the Daily Mail Team event the following day...DB was discovered rummaging around in the boot of his car for extra clothes as he had lost Weedo and had resigned himself to sleeping in his car overnight!!! DW and DB made it safely home to Chez Weedo for a few hours sleep, and then at 8.30 the taxi picked up DB to bring him back to the club for the match....the taxi departed.....the DW discovers DB's car keys at Chez Weedon!! Mobile phone...."Dave, you have left your car keys here....." "Damn I'll have to come back later and get them...." "Where are your clubs then???" "In the boot of my ca........" Silence! Fortunately another member of the Weedon clan arrived and was able to provide chase car facilities to follow the taxi to Chalgrave to deliver the keys!! I am not yet aware of how Mr Bromley performed...or the result! 

 

I also had the best conversation I have ever had with Jock Murphy in my life......25 minutes we talked for.....I distinctly remember understanding three words.....

 

Sat 20th.....bright and sunny, very cold, and the firebrigade match is underway......just as the ground starts to thaw out, making the greens still frozen solid and the rest of the ground starting to release all the water stored in the top 6" over the past week....60 odd players are competing and there are the usual range of stories emerging......a possible new page for the website, as Apples gets a skip hole in one on the 5th....yes Dave managed to hole out into the site skip with a controlled hook off the 5th tee. On being advised that he was now OOB, he reloaded and fired another into the compound for good measure. Whilst everyone else putted out, Apples made his way around the site fencing, across the defrosting surface of the site and had a rummage around to try and find his balls. He then made his way to the 6th tee to rejoin his playing partners.....Now, if you can imagine the site compound, it has had the topsoil stripped off, and from the 5th green end, it is just bare subclay. Very wet sub clay. Sticky. Dave crossed it in both directions looking for 2 golfballs worth about £2, when they were new.....he arrived at the 6th tee roughly 6" taller and several stone heavier, owing to the vast amount of clay adhering to either foot. It took several holes before he regained his normal height and weight. You would think that would be enough, but no, Apples improved upon that....on the 10th tee, the rest of his 4 ball had already teed off and Dave was in pre swing routine on the tee, when the following 4 ball started to click and clink and rattle their clubs  on their way down the path towards the tee. Apples asked them politely if they would kindly cease their distraction whilst he made his shot.......well actually, it was more like "will you shut the....up I'm trying to concentrate" and I think that still might be generous!!!! Silence descended. Complete Silence. Quieter than the grave. Very un-nerving!!! You know the road to the farm, the other side of the fence, beyond the pond??? From the mat??? That's some shot......now do it without crossing either the main pond OR the small feeder pond!!!! Anyone on the Ladies Tee would have been in mortal danger!!! 

 

Fri 19th.....12 noon, still snow covered, so tell staff not to bother coming in until later for the poker night....20 minutes later, snap thaw, 20 cars in carpark, golfers paddling around the course, and I am now stuck without staff until 7.30pm! Rapidly losing my sense of humour here!!

 

Friday 19th Feb.....this is really getting beyond a joke now.......2" of snow covers the course this morning......but the temperature should creep up so maybe it will be gone later on.....it is going to be a bit mad out there tomorrow with the match against the fire brigade.....

 

Weds 17th Feb......following on from my musing about anyone else not having a hole in one...other than Joe....a number of people emailed me to say they were in the same boat.....Gary Mason says he has been playing for 32 years now and still no hole in one....that may be the case Gary, but I'm sorry, it just is not as funny as winding Joe up as it really rankles with him

 

Tues 9th Feb.......after 15 years of trying........Ray Ram has now also beaten Joe Silva in the quest for a Hole in One, having aced the 13th with a 5 wood...........is there anyone left out there...... other than Joe....who still hasn't had one???

 

Tues 9th Feb....canny devils these seniors.......in an effort to get more of them utilising Victoria's cooking on a Tuesday...we came up with a "tuesday seniors special".....£3.60 for a full breakfast with 2 eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns and beans plus toast......."I'll have that, but without the eggs please" is the first request.....ok but that will be £4.50 then please says Victoria, seeing as you are now ordering "a la Carte!!!" "What?? it's more because I don't have the eggs?? I'll have the special then says our intrepid senior..." "How would you like your eggs then??" "raw and in a shell...I'll take them home and my missus can bake me a cake!!!"  ....don't mess with the seniors!!! you have been warned!!!

 

Fri 5th.....Swanny the Swan has settled in nicely and looks like he is going to hang around for a bit.....he has already got a few members sussed out.....for example.....Paul Godfrey comes in, buys a muffin and takes it out towards the 3rd green......he perfectly mimics the swan's call.....EEEE OOOO EEEE OOOO....(unfortunately, when Paul first saw the swan, the fire brigade were going past on the way to a shout and I know how confusing it is having dodgy hearing.....) .....despite this Swanny was undeterred and came over to see what the racket was all about....Paul broke up the muffin into two pieces, and offered the small one to Swanny....Swanny was not impressed, snatched the big piece out of his other hand, along with a lump of his finger, and sped off back to the safety of the pond.......EEE OOO EEE OOO...not sure if that was Swanny making his getaway or Paul from the attack on his finger.......blueberry muffins, next time please says Swanny.

 

Thurs 4th Feb.....tremendous news arrives...as you will no doubt know, I am a great enthusiast for winning things...and so progress by one of our Club teams in a national competition is a major step in the right direction......our Foursomes Champions, Martin Lithgo and Colin Barden are representing the Club in the Daily Mail Foursomes....and have successfully negotiated the 1st round, having not lost a single hole so far....ok they got a bye....but already the excitement has been ratchetted up a fraction, and I have started to make tiny movements to the trophies in the cabinets, to start to create the space required for a new one.....watch this space....

 

Tues 2nd Feb....I'm having a bad day......I amended the website to show all of the stuff that is coming up.....put the reservoir meeting down as being 29th Feb..... didn't even register that Feb has 28 days...and this year is not a leap year.... corrected it...as I had an email within 10 minutes telling me it was wrong.....and then an hour later got another email telling me the date for the Annual Dinner Dance was wrong as well.......clearly I am working too hard......

 

Fri 29th.....2009 Poker Grand Final...slightly delayed due to snow....finally got underway.....and nearly 4 hours later the 2009 Champion was "cough" Steve Rumball.......with Kenny Prazer 2nd and Dave Jones in 3rd place. I am now seriously considering making the Poker Championship a Major Tournament, and therefore there will have to be an Honours Board in the Clubhouse.........

 

Tues 26th....I have just received an email, forwarded to me by the County Golf Union.....which has originated from the Rules of Golf department at the R & A....the R & A have just published their new "Decisions on the Rules of Golf 2010 - 2011" which details a whole range of decisions of how a particular Rule has been applied to a particular set of circumstances and the reasons for it....it makes fascinating reading....and there are clearly some people who do nothing in life except dream up obscure circumstances and then write to the R & A asking them for a decision on how they should proceed! .......for example.....a player positions his bag for the purpose of providing shade for his ball!!! Is this permitted?? Answer....NO!! He is deemed to be "accepting protection from the elements and is in breach of Rule 14-2....penalty...strokeplay 2 shots...matchplay, loss of hole.... EXCEPT...if a spectator happened to be standing so that the ball was in shade...the player is entitled to ask that person NOT to move so that the ball can remain in the shade..... quite why the ball needs to remain in the shade I'm not sure, surely applying factor 15 sun cream  before you start to the ball would sort out any problem of sunburn for the poor chap....oh hang on...no you can't apply sun cream to your ball, that is also in breach of the rules.....I digress..........

 

so....the email from the R & A deals with another of their new rulings for 2010, on the subject of divot holes.......from 1st January 2010 a new decision applied....that a Committee cannot make a Local Rule to provide relief without penalty from divot holes, seeded or otherwise. From 1st January 2010, it is not permitted AT ALL to give relief from divot holes....because such a Local Rule would modify Rule 13-1 (which relates to playing a ball as it lies)..........and this comes from an organisation which charges £64 for a winter green fee on the Old Course and requires you to play off mats all the way around!!! They have no sense of irony......       

 

Sun 24th.....the texas scramble finally gets underway.....I have no idea who it was....but I saw one three ball playing out of the bunker on the 9th....which of course begs the question where the other 2 balls went to????? Steve Emmett, Alan Michael and Ray Ram stormed home with an under par net 71.4.....and came......last! A team of 2...Merv the Swerve and John Sullivan managed to win the event......and the other team of 2...Phil Greenhill and Aqua Ray would have come second...except they were DQ'd for failing to record their handicaps! Presumably, that was the job of whoever was the no show....Just a normal start to the year then........

 

Sun 17th.....ZIPPPERDEEEEDOOOODAH!!!!! We have finally sold beer in 2010!!! ....and green fees, food AND a new member all on the same day...... I need a lie down....too much excitement all at once.....

 

Sat 16th...Dave "just too late" Burden emails me....he was too late with his answer for the quiz....he had just scraped enough dosh together to go and buy some ski gear and now it has thawed.....so he has put the ski gear on ebay to raise enough to buy a canoe....but it will be bright and sunny tomorrow and will hopefully dry out quite a bit..... sold the canoe and bought a new set of "game improvement" irons.....yup.....still just too late Dave...

 

Sat 16th......proper Chalgrave weather at last...wind, rain, floods...so we are open!!! The quick quiz from yesterday has been won by Jesus Graydon.....although being an all seeing deity with presumably a photographic memory of the last 2010 years, he has an unfair advantage...the answers being Tom Hanks, in Castaway and Wilson was a ball....specifically a volleyball with a handprint in blood that looked like a face.....there were a number of correct answers but Jesus got there 1st.....I bet that has never happened before.....John Natus is suffering cabin fever (like the rest of us!!) and offered Scott of the Antartic.... and...Captain Oakes' famous quote of "I'll be back"....just think how famous Arnie would NOT have become if Oakes had beat him to his catchphrase by 90 - 100 years!!! Hasta La Vista baby. 

 

Fri 15th......no..it can't be......but it might be.... what do you think Wilson, is that grass???? After what appears to have been an interminable period of time, there appears to be a colour other than white appearing before my eyes. This lengthy period on my own caused me to draw a face on a golf ball, a Wilson, naturally, and have conversations with him. He is now staff...... potentially this could get worse as somewhere in the conversation there could be a deep red fat shaft.......but let's not go there!!! 1st person to email me with the name of the film, the star who won an oscar and who/what wilson was, wins a sleeve of three golf balls.....wilsons of course!!

 

Thurs 14th...HAGS Captain Tim "Braveheart" Murphy has put all of this available time whilst we are snowed under, to good use, planning in great detail and down to the last minute factor, the organisation of the the next two HAGS events and he then confirms everything with me in good time....very good time in fact....requesting a booking for Sat 1st March and Sat 26th April......the next time these two dates appear on a Saturday is in 2014!!! Ho Hum.....it is going to be a long year......

 

Thurs 14th.....back to square one having cleared the driveway on Monday...we are 6" deep again after yesterday's snow....a light at the end of the tunnel though.......the forecast is for heavy rain at the weekend....so we can look forward to floods!! Well at least it will make a change from snow!

 

Tues 12th....Clearly there are a few getting rather twitchy about not playing golf for so long now.....Senior Captain Dave Baston rang me (from Flitwick) last thing last night, to see if we would be open today.....Senior colleague Dave Jones drove across from Luton and arrived at the front entrance just as I was on the way out.....clearly there is a perception, wild and desperate as it may be...that Chalgrave exists within a tiny bubble of warmth amongst an entire country deep in the vice like grip of global warming!! Sadly no....the snow is just as deep here as it is everywhere else....it is approaching 8.30am...and I now have 6 seniors in the clubhouse.....this is more people than I have seen here at the same time for more than a week and they are having coffee....we have actually taken some money!!! At last!!!

 

Mon 11th Jan....still snowbound here...and Vince Hasker has emailed me about our new ski resort facilities...wanting to hire equipment and have some lessons......so I told him...

 

Thurs 7th....Alisdair Kerr arrives complete with his skis, to take advantage of the new ski resort facilities that we have recently installed for members use on a totally free of charge basis! Paul Northcott suggests that the Texas Scramble be renamed the Texas Slalom, which I thought was a great plan. Saturdays Ladies Stableford will be cancelled and the Ladies Downhill Luge will be run instead. Skintight rubberised suits (please provide your own) and a wooden tray from the kitchen. Start point will be the 2nd tee (red markers of course), and the finish line will be just short (about 6" short) of the pond in front of the 1st Tee.

 

As the Texas Slalom has already been moved back to the 24th, the Sunday will see the Mens four man bob competition. 1st to go will be Hugh Kerr, Richie Scott, Joe Silva and me. This will go one of two ways....1...we will win by a mile as the sheer amount of ballast on board will allow such massive generation of speed......or 2....we will have a major crash early on as four large units all try and run, jump and cram themselves into a moving tube before it runs away from us.....

 

2nd to go will be Bob Albery, Bob Dearman, Bob Given and Bob Weedon....well got to have 4 Bobs in a four man bob surely????

 

Finally, there will be the Open ski jumping, from the car park down towards the 3rd green, take off at the top of the steep cutting on the left hand side of the green, float over the green and land on the fringe on the right hand side. Happy Horwood is favourite for this one as he doesn't weigh anything at all...He should be able to get a nice glide right across to the 1st fairway......

 

Tues 5th January....Senior Captains Drive In.... - 6 sunday night and -4 monday night saw the course nearly 1" deep in frost!! 21 hardy senior souls turned up to see Senior Captain Dave Baston drive in across the icy tundra that passes for the 1st hole.... you know that it is the seniors when John Litchfield brings an old wooden football supporters rattle with him.....when was the last time you saw one of those??? There was an informal sweepstake going on beforehand, with some suggestions that Dave might not clear the icy surface of the pond, whilst even more cruel suggestions were that the icy slick surface of the winter mat itself would see a Dancing on Ice pirouette from the incoming Captain, as part of a magnificent air shot.....there was, therefore, significant interest from all concerned as Dave was announced on the tee. The noise from the watching seniors rose to a crescendo, accompanied by the rattlesnake sound of John Litchfield's rattle before the club came back down on a perfect arc, connected solidly with the sweetspot on the ball, which soared majestically up the centre of the 1st fairway, fading slightly as it landed dead centre. Dave Baston immediately realised that this was what had been missing for his entire golfing career, and immediately decreed that lots of noise was required whenever he is about to play a shot in future!! It has to be said, that that is one of the finest Drives by a Captain for many a year. The seniors then all went off to play a texas scramble in thick white frost, with white golf balls. We moved the flags 30 yards in front of the greens so that they could play, and off they went. Anyone who is a bit short of golf balls at the moment.....there are about 60 balls now lying somewhere out there on the first 13 holes!!!

 

...oh dear....when you take the mickey out of someone, it always helps to double check your own work to make sure that there are no comebacks.....Steve Emmett emails me to say he has spotted my deliberate mistake in making New Years Day a Saturday, not Friday....which considering that I was giving Mr Ward some stick over the diary dates.....I have of course corrected it now!!!

 

Mon 4th January...I have an email from Simon Ward, who has clearly been on the sauce for too long over New Year.....he asks if he can have a 1/12th discount off his annual subs as I have removed February from the calendar for 2010...now I am rather full of pride on the content and correctness of the website, so I was somewhat aghast at the prospect of having lost a month....but no....the full calendar of events actually appears twice on the website and both are correct, with February appearing, as you would expect, nestled neatly between January and March. However, I would like to thank Simon for what is a superb suggestion, that I can close up for February, maybe a spot of skiing perhaps, and yet still charge the full whack 12 month fee. Perhaps one of the best suggestions of all time. I did, of course, point out the error to Simon. He had already realised his error....approx 1 nano second after he clicked the send button on his original email!!

 

Fri 1st January.........Happy New Year to you all......I arrive at 9.15am.....to find about 15 - 20 already here and on the 1st Tee....all the regular faces....Braddy, Bob Albery, John Natus, Alan Michael, Webby, John Crane, Steve Emmett, Dave Millard, Ray Ram, Ben David etc etc......no sign of Paul or Kamal though!!!! Bob Albery starts his 2010 golfing year with a slice up the 3rd, which just makes the ditch and falls in....the 1st penalty shot of the year.....John Crane destroys all hope for the next decade of decent golf by absolutely nailing a drive with laser like precision down the centre of the fairway. It never deviated from its line of perfection once, not even after it landed on the frozen fairway and bounced and rolled straight along the centre line....that's it John, every shot for the remainder of the coming decade will simply not match up to that shot of exquisite perfection....

 

9.30am....the world has gone mad....Richard Muckleston (seniors section so there is an excuse is suppose!!) arrives to drop his renewal form in.....not to play, "I was just passing!"

 

9.52am....the first fine to the Captains Charity is recorded...as Hugh Kerr rings me from the course on his mobile....except he doesn't know he has rung me....clearly I can hear the sound of clubs cattering together as he walks the fairways, intermingled with the sssccchhh.....sssccchhh....sssccchhh of his trouser legs rubbing together as he walks.....the thought is not a happy one so I hang up......

 

2010

 

Fri 31st Dec...It's 3.30pm and Paul Godfrey is the last to go.....all is quiet and I start to pack up and get ready to go.....and then at 3.45pm two people arrive...its Paul Godfrey and Kamal....a quick drink and a game of pool!!!.......5.15pm I get away, as Kaul and Pamal finally decide that pool is no easier when you can see 30 balls and 12 pockets. Paul left with a final Yappy Hew Near!!!!...there is one thing I can absolutely guarantee...neither of those two will be awake come midnight but they hold the honour of being the last club members in the clubhouse at the end of the decade!!!!

 

Tues 22nd Dec....6" deep in snow, Met Office warnings galore about horrendous road conditions...and Peter Whitton, Derek Collins and Alan Laid all arrive for a coffee! Barking mad!! They ignore the subtle warning of one of my greenstaff, who has parked his car at the very top of the carpark, leaving him a straight run at the driveway and home...as they sail on down the steeper part of the top of the carpark and park up next to my big, chunky 4WD.....another clue there chaps.....a coffee and a chat.....and then they provide us with an exquisite ice ballet with cars as they take multiple runs at the upslope of the carpark....getting tantalisingly close each time to the crest of the steeper slope, before sweeping sideways and folornly back down to where they started from. The mad threesome are gloriously in full view of the cctv, Peter Whitton  getting cloths under his wheels and at one point got his golf clubs out as well!!! What he was planning on doing with those I am not sure!!!Eventually.....we relented, and got the tractor out and towed them back up to the top....

 

Thurs 17th Dec....the molers are here, despite the weather forecast!! 2 degrees outside, but that does not take account of the 20 mph wind racing across the course. Dave Burden has lost the plot. He thinks he is Brian Gidley, standing out in the carpark, chatting away happily, in a polo shirt!! After they have all come in, having braved the elements for 4 hours, the real onslaught starts.....the blizzard has hit, but at the moment, it does not look too bad.....mainly because nothing is hitting the ground....it is just blowing horizontally across the course!!! Tomorrow is forecasted to be very bad.....that is a shame...as  Head Greenkeepr Rob has the day off tomorrow.....to move house!!! He went past the course today warm and snug in his car, beeping his horn at his colleagues who were wrapped up like Scott of the Antartic...tomorrow will be payback time.....they are already organised to go up into Toddington....beep their horns and wave to him as he struggles to get his worldly possessions into a van through deep snow....

 

Sunday 13th Dec....having left the club at 2.30am after Cabaret Night, I arrived back at 6.45am to open up for the Turkey Trott, to greet an astonishing field of 95 golfers all here and ready to play 18 holes with just 2 clubs and a putter!!! Shotgun start at 8.15 and all off the course by 12.30!!! Three players achieved 38 stableford points, so why do we bother with 14 clubs then??? Archie Mackintosh embraced the day in its real format, playing just 9 holes in a quite astonishing level of consistency, the only blot on his copybook being a 4 nett 3 and 2 points on the 16th...on an otherwise blemish free score of zero.....into the afternoon and the kids descended on the club for Santa and the party.....the two biggest kids in the room had their faces painted....

 

 

there was a nasty rumour at one point that they were debating on a full body paint job......make your own jokes up from here....

 

The sharp eyed amongst you will notice that Richie has the Scottish flag on his forehead......Joe, was blissfully unaware that instead of the Spanish flag.....the Portugese one was being carefully painted onto his!! He did find out, several hours later...which just started the laughing off again!!!

 

 

Friday 4th Dec....Bob Albery arrives to play golf with the Friday afternoon boys....he sheepishly puts his head around my door...."thanks steve, it all works fine now.....how did I miss that????" It is the Law of Chalgrave Signage. If you want people to know about something, put the information in clear, bold posters and a prominent place on the website, and you can absolutely guarantee that no one will read it!!

 

Thurs 3rd Dec...It has been quiet here for a while, excessive rain has meant that fewer people are about to do daft things.....so I am thankful for the longstanding members who can always be relied upon to keep the news ticking over......Bob Albery returns from exile...sorry...Spain and emails me to say hello...and asks if I can help him with his computer....he says that in Spain, he had no problem accessing all of the website, but on his computer at home, he cannot get the secondary menus to appear on his screen....I ask him if he can get and read the Home Page....."oh yes, no problem, that is all very clear and looks good". I say to him that he could actually try reading the bit right at the top...in bold red to make it stand out....and that will resolve his problem!! 

 

Thurs 26th.....I get a phone call which nearly causes me heart failure......we have just sent out the December renewals, which.....bad news coming now.....show a small increase in fees....to £425 for all memberships renewing at any time in 2010 (seeing as 50% of that increase is just the change in VAT back to 17.5% I think we have done pretty well.....BUT....whilst the letter that accompanied the renewal form shows what the fees are for 2010 in absolute clarity, it would appear that I managed to miss off the 5 on the renewal form itself....so that showed an annual figure of £42!!! As much as I would like to offer this....I am afraid that for some reason, we just cannot sustain that!!! I also have my priorities right....the emails sending out the corrected forms went out before I got around to putting this information up!!!  

 

Mon 23rd Nov..... I have been in all day, and I have made several trips out to see the greenstaff and out to the shops....so I have been up and down the path to the front door on numerous occasions today......so I am somewhat baffled when Richie Scott rings up to ask if his electric trolley is still outside the Clubhouse......I did point out that I hadn't seen it but he said it might be in the bush outside the pro shop......so I popped out to check for him.....in the bush was an understatement. More like it formed part of the main trunk!! I returned to the office and let Richie know that his prized trolley was indeed part of the shrubbery and asked him how it got there.....a mumbled, minimal explanation only revealed the phrase Joe Silva....so I asked Joe for his version......"..... remind him what goes around comes around...." was the answer!!!

 

Mon 23rd Nov... The House Committee Pairs was a bit damp.....I am not going to say it was wet.....if you want wet go to Cumbria...they have wet....on the 10th Tee, Paul Godfrey lines up his shot....Paul's finish position is high and left....how do I know this??? because his ball fizzed off with a fade, and his club fizzed off into the trees on the left!!! If he sorts that swing out, the club would have gone straight on and into the main pond!!!  Paul has just come into the bar, having retrieved his 9 iron from the depths of the woods, having left it there yesterday, reasonably safe in the knowledge that no one else would clamber through the undergrowth to pinch it....he is somewhat miffed, having been fined yesterday for a ball in the water...it hit the bank and fell back in....and a club in the woods!! He cannot understand why I don't sympathise......

 

Thurs 19th Nov......sometimes you just wonder what is going through people's minds......Chris Baker hires a buggy to play with the molers today, as does John Steele....Denis Richards and Mick Moulton are sharing the buggies with the first two.....except that Chris and John load their clubs off onto one buggy, and drive off with 2 keys leaving Dennis and Mick stranded with a buggy paid for and no key!! Elsewhere, Bill Raymen is looking baffled? Where is my putter he asks his playing partners, as he rummages through his bag....what's that in your left hand then comes the reply!!! We have a proper Chalgrave wind here today, probably about a 4 club wind at the moment, or a 6 brick Derek...... ie the number of clubs more than you normally need to go the same distance or the number of bricks we have had to put into Derek's golf bag to make him weigh enough so he doesn't blow away....... 

 

Fri 13th....well with that date it was hardly going to be bright and sunny today was it??? Horrible weather here and even the die hard golfers have.....died! Just me and the greenstaff and a lot of rain at the moment.....The November medal result has finally arrived, officially confirming what Weedo knew last Sunday....that his staggering 48 stableford points was not just enough to win the medal (by a mile) but also that he has regained his status as a single figure handicapper and rejoins the worlds top 2%.....be warned, Dave is playing in Sundays competition, and if you thought he was full of it last weekend....you aint seen nothing yet!!!

 

Thurs 12th Nov....the Molers are in as usual on a Thursday, and Tarby is back in the groove.....last time he made the website it was because he played the double green in 5 shots....a 3 on the 8th and a 2 on the 17th....but today he probably topped that....His Molers handicap is +3......yes thats right, if he gets a gross par on the 5th, 7th and 15th holes, he will pick up 3 stableford points in total!!! Which makes the 41 stableford points for the round, quite astonishing.....even more so when the only 5 on his card was on the 16th for a blob. Even though the tees are on the winter mats, a gross 64 is still incredible stuff. One eagle 2 (18th), seven 3's, nine 4's and a double bogey 5 on the 16th! It will be a long time before anyone else does that off the Ladies Yardage!!! 

 

Thurs 5th Nov....John Steele has graced these pages on many previous occasions, but this is his first appearance on the new look site....today, he started from the 4th, with his playing partner in a buggy, played the 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th and had teed off on the 8th. As he hit his second off the side slope, his foot slipped away...."och aye, I need te get some new studs ye ken" (well I think that's how you type Glaswegian!!) He sat on the buggy, lifted his foot to see the offending studs or lack of them which had caused the slippage, and realised that he had a golf shoe on one foot and his normal everyday shoe on the other foot!!.... I don't think I need to say anymore!....other than that was good.... even by John's standards!!

 

Weds 4th Nov....The TopGolf Challenge gets underway.....20 players in attendance and the banter is flowing thick and fast, helped by the free drinkies provided by TG....Karen Crane sets up her shot, using a very high tee, fizzes the clubhead under the ball, so that it moves about 5mm upwards, momentarily balances back on the rubber tee peg which has returned to its position, before the ball falls off backwards!! Much laughter from all watching! Our host from TG comments that he has seen it all, including people getting hit by balls rebounding off the roof bars after skied shots....Bob Weedon, 247 years old and still chunking it 200 yards off the tee on a good strike, demonstrates immediately!! Skied into the rafters and the ball fizzes around amongst the watchers and the beer glasses...Dave Weedon, having been fairly liberal with the shouts of FORE every time someone hacked it left or right, was strangely silent! The buffet, more drinks and then the main game. A few side bets were already in place and the pressure was cranked up. Weedo took one look at my 71 points off 10 balls against his 84 off 15 and handed over his £5 before he even finished his 20....Simon Ward needed 4 points off his final 2 balls to overtake Aidan, and with a complete miss with the 1st ball...(it was a wedge to a huge green 100 yards away!!) he held his nerve and hit the green with his last ball to claim a £5 from Aidan....Mike Parrett was on his final balls, chasing down Ollie Whitten's superb 154 points. As you would expect from the scratch team captain, he was dropping ball after ball onto the green and picking up the points....2 balls left, scores tied, game over......except no one told the next ball which went absolutely miles right....to put it into context, stand on the 10th tee, and then miss the pond and the road...to the right!!

Then get your handicap down to 4 and then do it!!

 

 The final ball dropped onto the green and a 9th place for Mike Parrett on the TopGolf overall best scores for the whole day, as well as the lead in the Chalgrave Challenge. The last player still in with a shout, was me. 5 balls, 39 points needed. 1st ball, bullseye!! the TopGolf equivalent of a hole in one!!! 20 points!! More points on the next ball, left me needing 7 points to overtake Ollie and 11 to catch Mike Parrett. The next 2 failed to score!!

 

The only way to get 12 points was the green 250 yards away...get the driver out. Final ball, smash....big hook, nowhere near. The ball cannoned of a couple of other balls on the outfield and disappeared. The scoring screen flicked.....a ball Aidan had hit about 30 minutes earlier that had not registered a score, suddenly appeared as on a green in the direction my hook had gone.....it added 4 points to Aidans score...and the £5 passed back to Aidan, along with one of Simons!! Now I can't hit a green 250 yards away...but I can hit one specific ball, just over 1" in diameter, with another one, and knock it into a scoring position to win some money for my son!!! Quality!! The prize ceremony was a Chalgrave classic.....TopGolf announced the winners....3rd....with a medal, Steve Rumball....2nd...another medal....John Crane.....1st...Ollie Whitten!!!!mayhem!! I presented my medal to John, he passed his to Ollie, and the TopGolf Challenge trophy finally ended up where it should have done, with Mick Parrett. Somehow, my 2 bulleyes in the second game were not good enough to win the nearest the pin!! but what the hell!!! We had a great time and hopefully this can be repeated, maybe with more participants, after Christmas.

 

Sat 31st...The Halloween Handicap, torrential rain delays the start by 30 minutes, but the takings on the bar as a result are enormous.....so maybe we will deliberately delay the start every time from now on....Frank Howarth...a regular Tuesday senior makes a rare foray out at the weekend and provides the best moments of the day....Frank has an electric trolley with the "move on" 30 yards button....he putts out on the 7th, watches his playing partners putt out, turns around and cannot find his trolley......so the whole 4 ball walk back to the 7th tee to look for it...despite the fact that Frank has only got his putter!!! Right...so he teed of with that did he??? eventually the hunt commences at the back of the 7th, and takes so long that the following 4 ball also arrive and join in the search...Wing Commander Tim Smith is looking carefully amongst the long grasses....carefully parting the fronds, until someone points out that he is looking for a whole trolley and not just a ball!!!! Eventually, the players on the 12th tee help out, as they saw it pass across in front of them before embedding itself in the longstuff at the back of the 14th green!!! You would think that would be enough, but no.....on the 16th tee, club selected, and tee off....where is my trolley?? Apples is this time able to help out immediately, having seen the trolley hare off down the fairway. turn left and disappear in to the depths of the woods!!!

 

Dave Bryant scores an astonishing 48 points in normal play.....but suffers under the "trick or treat" rules as he draws out his 2 double score balls with 2 nett pars to double up the scores on the two holes to 4 points each...and then pulls out the number 2 ball for his trick, a double and minus....on the second hole, he had a 3, nett 2 and 4 points, doubled to -8 .... but  you do not get the benefit of the 4 either!! so it becomes effectively a -12!!! So the 48 stableford points will be winging its way to the Comps & Handicaps Committee for a savage cut.....(along with all the other 39+ pointers) but no prizes!! 

 

Thurs 29th Oct....the draw arrives for the House Committee Team Trophy, which is entered as individuals and there is then a random draw for playing partners.....73 entries, so the odds of drawing one specific player as a playing partner would be, in theory, at the start of the draw, 72 - 1. Peter Graydon is putting all his spare cash on the lottery this weekend, having been drawn, at random, to play with his other half, Fee Knight!!! Quality!

 

Thurs 22nd Oct....8.00pm, Apples. Mick Yule, Spam and Simon Ward are all leaving....as they exit the clubhouse, the lights come on to show them the way....Simon Ward cuts the corner outside the pro shop, but doesn't quite get his foot back onto the pathway, steps down into the flowerbed, pirouettes twice in a manner that would get him shedloads of points on Strictly....and then falls backwards into the flowerbed just past the large bush outside the pro shop window....Apples, Spam and Yuley are all still by the front door, and have seen the spins and turns, and then a touch of the David Copperfields as Simon disappeared from sight completely.....stranded like an upturned turtle, Simon was struggling to regain his footing, whilst Apples, Spam and Yuley were also struggling....to remain standing themselves as the pain from laughter was just too much to bear.....regrettably, the angle of the CCTV camera does not get the full view.

 

Tues 20th Oct....an email from Karen...not content with beating Tilsworth in the Club match, Karen, Kay, Christine and Sue won the Tilsworth Open to successfully defend the trophy the Ladies won there last year.....clearly brimming with confidence, Karen is looking forward to the hat trick next year!!!

 

Tues 13th Oct...I attended the English Golf Union (EGU) briefing meeting at John O'Gaunt Golf Club. These meetings have been held all over the country as the EGU have had a whole range of subjects where information needed to be passed out to clubs. Clearly, from the smooth and accomplished manner in which the information was presented, there have been many meetings before the one I attended.....at the end of the session, there was a question and answer session, where again, clearly the range of questions raised had been aired before and the speakers were able to deal with each subject with ease......on things like the new Equality Bill where for example, if it becomes law then Clubs having a Ladies Day or having a different dress code for ladies and men may well be considered to be outside of the law......so as the session drew to a close, I asked the following question...." Given the implications of the new Equality Bill, if I have a gentleman golfer who is off 28 handicap but cannot play to it, would he be able to request that he plays off 36 handicap from the Red Tees without having had a prior gender reassignment, under the new act??" I think, from the astonished, flummoxed looks on the faces of the two speakers, it would be fair to say that they had not been asked that one before.....I don't actually recall getting an answer, come to think of it!! Also at the meeting was David Parrett, of the Beds County Golf Union, who reminded me that the County Dinner was coming up in December at Cranfield.....Kev Clinton's miami vice suit was mentioned...so clearly our performance from last year has not been forgotten yet!!

 

Sat 10th Oct.....the ladies section are now unbeaten in Club matches for an incredible 8 years........following their home win against Tilsworth by 2 games to 1 today....this is a record that is unsurpassed by any of our club sections........it is also the first match the ladies have played in 8 years, but it sounds so much better the other way!!! The girls are risking this record though, as they have already planned a few more matches for the coming months......

 

Fri 9th Oct.....just updating the website with the Medal results and notice a couple of things......one, not surprisingly the best placed Saturday player for last weeks medal was in 19th place.....and quite frankly that was an awesome performance...anyone in the top 40 who played their round on Saturday should be congratulated! and secondly.......Immediate Past Captain Dave Weedon finshed 16th with a nett 74.....and got 0.1 back onto his handicap, taking him from an exact of 9.9 to and exact of 10........now knowing Dave....that is going to hurt!!!!!Being in the bottom 98% when he made it to 9.5 was bad enough.....but now there are 2 figures in front of the decimal point!!!!

 

Sun 4th October.....calm, benign conditions, just a hint of breeze......if you guys didn't win the medal you should be shot!!!

 

Sat 3rd October....the Saturday medal....absolute carnage!! the wind was very very severe, not gusting, just constant gale force!! at one point, we got a mention on the shipping forecast!! It was extremely tough out there, and having battled all the way around, and into the teeth of the gale as you played the 17th, the thoughts of a downwind 18th and respite in the clubhouse were very attractive.....but getting through the 17th was a challenge in itself....I hit 2 monster shots to be 120 yards short and my 120 yard 6 iron finished up on the 8th fairway!!! I chipped it right over the flag, about 12 ft beyond the flag, which was right up the front of the green......the ball landed, checked and spun slightly back, continued to roll, past the flag, down to the front of the green and 10ft back down the fairway!! Another chip to 4 ft and 3 putts!! ...but that was nothing...playing partner Dave Pettit was on in 3, off in 4, back on in 5, putted up to the hole for 6, took too long to get it marked and it rolled back to the fringe, putted back to 6" for 7, wasn't going to be caught out again, so nipped forward and holed it quickly for 8 and collected a 2 shot penalty for failing to remove the flagstick for a 10!!......but that was nothing....in the group behind us, Paul Godfrey was at the back of the green, putted it beautifully to the flagstick....except it just wouldn't stop, off the green and down onto the fairway....seeing as he only had his putter with him, he putted back up the front slope onto the green, and watched the wind blow the ball back towards him....but slightly more to his right.....this time dropping into the bunker......still with a putter and with a left hand stance, a bunker shot with the back of the putter.....this is the chalgrave news page and I expect that you think I am going to say he holed it......no......it stayed in the bunker and it did so for a second attempt as well. Playing partner Tony Hawker was losing the will to live, and was sitting behind his windbreak (trolley) with his umbrella wrapped closely around him as the carnage continued......Paul retrieved his sand wedge and eventually holed out....for a mind boggling 12 having been on the green for 4!!!

 

The ladies medal suffered a similar fate, with Cally putting off the green 3 times.....if you played the medals on Saturday and you finished with a nett 70 something I would take my hat off to you if it hadn't blown away!!

 

Fri 2nd October....How do Dave Millard's teeth improve Steve Hipwell's putting then??? Well Steve Hipwell was putting out, when the ball skewed off line at impact....the putter head had come loose. One of his fellow playing partners Dave Millard, had a rummage around and found his denture glue!! A quick dab of aforesaid glue, play the next hole a bit slowly to give it time to set.....wonderful!!! in my opinion, it would make a superb TV advert...much better than having old people smiling at each other and eating sticky toffee pudding....the only thing is....why are Dave's teeth still loose then???

 

Thurs 1st October...Peter Whitton sends me an email saying how much better the new website is....and asks if I can improve his golf in the same way.......my response....I know it was almost impossible to improve on the old website, but we managed it.....miracles though, I can't do!!!

 

Mon 28th Sept...Further clarity has been obtained in the saga of the airline flight and honeymoon.....and it is worthy of updating the earlier report.....Rob didn't drive to Gatwick as previously reported.....he drove to Luton Parkway Station, where he had pre-booked a weeks carparking, and got on the train to Gatwick, on a return ticket which he had also pre-booked....they arrived at Gatwick at around 2.00am, having not bothered to sleep during the day as they would be able to sleep on the flight and arrive in Greece fully refreshed and ready to collect their pre booked car hire.....unfortunately, arriving 24 hours early meant that Rob had to check into the Gatwick Hilton, paying for an overnight stay where the night was almost over, and then in order to keep the room and hotel facilities for the day, had to book a second night, with an alarm call for 3.00am so that they could then check in at the right time on the right day!!! ...So 2 nights....having just checked the Gatwick Hilton's website, would have set Rob back over £200 per night....and he didn't get a full nights sleep on either of them!!!! Then there will be the question of the car hire in Greece....have they kept his car for him or have they hired it out to someone else....even if they have kept it for him, he may have to return it a day early...which would mean spending the final day of his honeymoon driving the car back to the car hire depot, getting a taxi back to his villa, booking another taxi to take him to the airport the following day...getting his flight home and collecting his own car, complete with over stay penalty from Luton Parkway....you either have to feel really sorry for him, or laugh uproariously.....Rob of course booked it in this manner in order to save a few quid in carparking charges at Gatwick........that will be laugh then.....

 

Sat 26th Sept....Head Greenkeeper Rob Parr has had a bad week.......he was off ill for 2 days....dicky tummy and the ....well you know what I am getting at....and on Friday he was on a half day as he prepared to jet off to Greece with his new bride on a somewhat belated honeymoon.....that's Rob for you, getting the dicky holiday tummy BEFORE he reaches the holiday destination!!!......and you might think that this at least would mean that things could only get better for the remainder of the trip......errrr no!!! The newlyweds are off to Greece, from Gatwick, despite there being a perfectly adequate airport 5 miles away....so as always with these things, M25, big crowds, honeymoon, you don't want to be late or delayed and miss your flight......so imagine the horror on Rob's face when he arrives at check in last night, hands over his ticket and passport and smiles nicely at the Monarch Check In staff......" I'm sorry sir, this flight is not yet open for check in" "What?? when does the desk open then??" "Tomorrow sir, you are here 24 hours early!!!" Fortunately, just around the corner from the duty free and perfume shops, is a marriage guidance counsellors office....he advise calling in at the Duty free and perfume shops, and then heading for the Gatwick Hilton, to spend loads of £££ for a last minute overnight stay!!!! It would be churlish of me to point out that most Gatwick Hotels these days offer the opportunity to stay overnight, leave your car with them for a week or two, and all for significantly less than the extortionate carparking charges at Gatwick......except Rob had already paid the carparking fees, and then had to cough up for the most expensive hotel on the airport as well on top!!! So, the nice quiet, low cost self catering private villa break for Rob and his bride has got a little bit more pricey...and he  hasn't even left the country yet!!! and he is faced with a 24 hour stay in Gatwick airport!! Quality!  I will be texting him in about 5 minutes to let him know that the story is on here........and to also let him know that he hasn't booked an extra day holiday so I expect him back on the correct day....I bet he hasn't thought of that yet either!!!!

 

Fri 25th Sept......yesterday the seniors season of club matches came to an end with a victory against Tilsworth....and what a turnaround it has been for the section!!! Having lost their opening 6 games, the season looked set to be a war of attrition, but from out of the blue, a rare victory appeared in match 7. The next 4 matches saw 1 win and 3 losses, before embarking on an astonishing run of the final 7 matches producing 2 halved matches and 5 victories!!! This sort of performance has never been seen before in the history of the Seniors Section and none of them can remember anything remotely like it.......not surprising really seeing as most of them can't remember who they played golf with last Tuesday, let alone the result of matches 3 years ago....still, a great turnaround by the section and a series of performances by them which will live long in the memory....or until next Tuesday with a bit of luck anyway......

 

Sun 13th Sept...the Parrett Hawker foursomes, and Dave "bottom 98%" Weedon partnered Happy Horwood, which quite frankly delighted Happy as he said for the first time in years he might actually have a makeable shot into the 1st green (clearly Happy's regular partner, Dave Parr has not been getting the required position off the tee over the years!!). Playing with past Captain Weedo, and playing partners and Competition sponsors, Messrs Parrett and Hawker themselves, Happy looked forward to an approach shot of about 130 yards.....Weedo took his usual flourishing, extravagant swing and promptly topped the ball into the pond......which proceeded to fill up rapidly as the tears of laughter flowed from the other three.....

......and the increasing diversity of our business was ever more apparent as we opened our Sunday picnic and football area.....at around 12 noon, Spam and Apples...perfectly adequate names for a picnic really!!!....were playing the 18th, when to their amazement, they came across a car which had come down the driveway, turned right and parked between the trees on the 4th hole, just short of the 150 yard markers and so in a perfectly hittable spot!!....the doors and boot were open, a picnic blanket was out on the grass and Mum and Dad eating happily whilst two kids played football on the practice ground, also perfectly hittable from the 18th Medal Tee...you could not make it up......

 

Sat 12th Sept....in these difficult economic times, companies are looking at diversifying to increase their revenue potentials.....and we are no different, and our new airport services opened on Saturday morning....( I haven't yet sorted out the extortionate short term parking fees)..... as the club matcj gathered outside the Clubhouse at 9.00am, a hot air balloon floated serenely across the 16th green, extremely low.....a blast of hot air from the burners increased the altitude enough to get them over the 135,000 volt power lines, and I thought they were heading across the fields towards Tebworth, til Captain Nick informed me that the balloon had come down up by the road....I jumped in a buggy and headed for the scene, and at the top of the carpark, I met a car with a trailer, the "chase car" driven by a lady who brightly informed me that they had landed, everything was OK and they were in the middle of a fairway!!! I asked them if they were members, and when they said no, I pointed out that a group of four on the course on a Saturday morning would set them back £34 each in green fees!!!! We are not golfing she said....you are on the fairway and that is good enough for me came the reply!!! For about 20 minutes, a couple of groups had a large wicker basket as well as the bunker on the 5th to negotiate, but regrettably, no one managed to get their ball into the basket for a unique hole in one.......

 

 

Sun 6th Sept.....the Senior Masters at Woburn...we had guys marshalling and of course there were those who went along to watch...Braddy was there with Philip....and in the tented village there was a series of practice bays, sponsored by Travis Perkins, where you could have a 5 minute lesson with a pro for free....so Braddy steps up, and lets the pro know all about his new clubs, how they were fitted, the fact that he needed longer shafts than standard...which Braddy thought was a surprise....but they didn't tell him the set he was buying were junior clubs....he described his swing arc, and his ability to draw and fade the ball at will......the pro listened intently and then asked him to take a swing so he could see.........at the top of the backswing, the pro yelled "STOP!!!" "whats wrong??" says Braddy...."nothing mate, your 5 minutes are up...next please!!!!".....

Sat 5th Sept.....One of our Ladies, Jeanette Wildman, a 36 handicapper, had a hole in one on the 5th today......her first I believe, and that is one more than Joe Silva has had.....

 

Fri 4th Sept...Well it is a bit calmer out there today.....yesterday...well lets just say that Chalgrave showed its teeth.....it was a 5 club wind by mid morning...that means that if you normally need a 9 iron, you need 5 more clubs (a 4 iron or rescue wood!!) to get there!!! Downhill putts were a doddle, downwind was scary!! The 9 hole competition was absolute carnage...Steve King was awesome with 19 points including a blob and a -2 shot cut already!! Most were simply blown away. Two weeks left to go in the 9 Hole, and what a superb competition it has been all summer. With between 30 - 40 people playing every week, the winners have been spread out with Matt Oakley and Steve King sharing the -4 handicap cut lead....89 players have played in it at some point this year, and 33 of them have had a 1st or 2nd place!! Only 3 points separate the top two overall with 2 weeks to go.....either Rikki or Don Cook will make it to overall champion but Rikki already has 8 scores at 5 or better counting, whilst Don only has 6 scores above 1....the tension mounts!!!

 

Tues 1st Sept....back from the Bank Holiday weekend....and the stories are already in.....The Hasker Multiplier went down very well on Saturday, but not without some element of confusion and miscalculations on the maths.....the eventual winners were originally well clear of the field on 252 points...but then a double check revealed that there were two errors on the card, in the allocation of stableford points against the handicap....reducing a 27 point hole to an 18 pointer and a 36 point hole to a 27....so the final result was much closer than thought....with only 6 points separating 1st and 2nd, and 8 points separating 2nd and 3rd.....the winners started with a single point up the 1st, but accumulated 54 points on the last 2 holes to win....the team in 2nd accumulated a meagre 30 points on holes 5 to 9.....and the team in 3rd had a run of 4, 8 pointers preceded by a blob from 11 to 15.....so it really was wide open......and then as everyone came off, there was an opportunity to have your clubs cleaned, by the aptly named "Club Clean" company...quite a few took the opportunity...and I have to say, those that didn't missed out. I had mine done and the grips now feel like new, the grooves are spotlessly clean as are the clubs themselves.....it was not all plain sailing though...Karen Crane, fresh from her place in the winning side had her clubs cleaned, but unfortunately, Nick from Club Clean put the head covers back on Karens fairway woods in the wrong order...so the 7 wood had the 3 wood cover and visa versa...the following day in the Unity Cup, it took Karen 9 holes to notice that they were wrong!!! She thought it was strange that the 7 wood went miles...and put it down to the rejuvenated feel of the club after cleaning....but was going to write a letter of complaint about the reverse effect that the cleaning had had on her 3 wood which was going nowhere.....when you consider how often the ladies use their fairway woods around the front 9, it seems strange that it took until then to actually notice that the "3" wood had gained a massive amount of loft on the face.....Karen took some unmerciful stick when she returned to the bar after her round, particularly since her front 9 score was much better than her back 9 when she had rearranged the head covers!!! and then that mickey taking was renewed all over again, when Fee Knight came in and said...." you will never guess what has happened to me......I had my clubs cleaned yesterday...and on the 9th....." nothing more was said as the room dissolved into howls of laughter..... it was a good job that Nick didn't put the clubs back into the bag upside down really......you can imagine the complaints....I asked for the heads to be cleaned...and he has washed them right off!!!!

 

Sun 30th Aug.....a potential flashpoint here, as the last competition, the seniors champs had a 2's competition that was not won....so the old boys have put £13.50 into a rollover for the 2's, for the next competition, which is the Unity Cup. This generates an opportunity for one of the Ladies to win the rollover money from a mens competition.......Pete Graydon had already realised this was possible...but was less than bouyant about the prospects of Fee getting a 2 it has to be said!!!!

 

Sat 29th Aug....Don Parrott returns to play the Hasker Multiplier after a few weeks non golfing.....due to injury.....he is still limping slightly.....having pulled a calf muscle playing......rounders!! I set will set you a challenge.....in your mind... can you see Don Parrott holding a small wooden bat, hitting a soft ball thrown underarm at him gently, and then running off around the lap of 4 poles....??? No....not possible is it?? I nearly got there and then as it was a girls sport...I added the image of Don in small tight shorts....nasty.....

 

Mon 17th August....Committee meeting....not a subject to normally grace the pages of the news blog...but this one was worthy of mention....first up was Karen Crane, making her first appearance at Committee as Ladies Vice Captain, and her debut sentence on Committee, opened with "well if I was a lady......" and then there was a break for everyone to stop laughing.....Mick Yule wanted more litter bins as he said he was fed up with carrying other peoples litter around the course from where they had dropped it to the nearest bin. I did point out that there were numerous bins dotted about, but Mick claimed that there was nothing from the 4th Tee to the 10th tee....Nick was adamant that there was a bin on the 6th Tee, and I have to say that i thought there was, but couldn't actually recall seeing it recently....so I did wonder if it had been appropriated by person or persons unknown for nefarious activities...in the end I convinced myself that there was no bin on the 6th....and Nick was straight in with a £5 bet for the Captains Charity that there was one there.....as soon as the meeting finished, we jumped in my 4WD and drove out to prove the point....my conversation with Nick was going along the lines of....."I have lost to one Hawker in the last week, I'm damned if I am going to lose again" .....when the bin loomed into view out of the darkness....damn....the Captains Charity bottle had a few more of my £'s added to it.....

 

Fri 14th August....Tony Hawker wins the inaugural Scratch Matchplay Knockout with an awesome display against yours truly....I had 2 birdies on the front nine and didn't win either hole.....whilst Tony was simply unbeatable with one of the most faultless displays of golf it has been my misfortune to play against...as we walked towards the green on the 14th, with Tony at 1 under par gross, he mentioned that this was his best ever score to this point.......thanks for saving it for me Tony!!!

Elsewhere on the course, Happy Horwood was extremely Happy, as the usual Friday crowd he plays with had gone off to Royston for the afternoon...and so they missed out on Happy's round after his hole in one on the 13th.....with a driver! The group in front said it was fizzing across the green, slammed into the flagstick and dropped like a stone! £10.50 for a round of drinks for a hole in one!!

 

Sun 9th...another morning after the night before....Mick Yule is made of stern stuff as he was here bang on time for the 1st Starters shift....there were people on the 9th green at 7.15am when I arrived!!! The competition was progressing quite nicely until Mick Yule appears in the Clubhouse at 9.15 to ask if I can take over the starters job as he has to start his round at 9.44 and the second shift starter has not yet arrived.....well who is it supposed to be????ah....Weedo! I have a couple of things to sort out and then I wander down to take over from Mick...except that I am not needed...as Dave is now there...."ah you made it then" ... I enquire politely..."No prob, I am never late"....right.....so who did make the panicked phone call to find out what time Mick Yule was supposed to be off then??? The competition was finding the course very tough going... after Thursday's absolute deluge, the course was playing very long. No run on the ball, lush rough and the ponds were as deep as they have ever been, although the water levels around the world had increased several millimetres, caused by Phil Barter crying for hours in the USA after being told of Norwich's opening day match against Colchester at Home....imagine that...all those weeks preseason training, all the plans, the expectation of the fans as they look forward to 46 matches over the next 6 months as they expect to bounce straight back to the Championship, 90 minutes later....lost 7 - 1 at home, not a great start really!!...I digress.....the rough was lush, loaded with water and not easy to get out of...ask Mick McGarry as he was in it most of the way around!!! Despite being given some fearful stick by his playing partners in what, I am told is not a great score, he took it like a man......elsewhere, Mick Yule has long held an ambition to join the worlds top 2% and get to single figures....for a long time on Sunday, he looked like he would make it...regrettably for him it was only in terms of stableford points over 18 holes on Sunday!! A bit of good fortune saw him sneak back into double figures on the last. Pixie was at the bar before the comp and was snapped up by Multiplier Hasker as a partner for the Brewer Baston Bowl....various comments abounded, particular reference to the "No Mixed Pairs" rule....and clearly Mr Hasker has some work to do with Braddy in terms of team spirit, as Braddy blew a gasket when Pete Graydon (top 2%) asked if anyone needed a partner in the Brewer Baston 5 hours later in the bar!!! If I were you Vince....when you stand over the putt on the 18th in a couple of weeks, have just played your fedora off and need that putt for a course record and 1st place, with Braddy having lost his ball in the long stuff on 18 and being right out of it, shove it 20ft past onto the fringe, get your 3 wood out and batter it into the trees behind the 9th, and walk away with your head held high, telling him you will be looking for a proper partner next year!!

Elsewhere, Webby was also under threat in dropping out of the top 2%...perhaps spurred on by the ribbing experienced by Weedo since he joined to bottom 98%, he talked a good round in the bar ahead of the round and then went out and did it...39 points may be enough to get him a slight reduction and a bit of breathing space.....Dave, didn't mention his round to me today...so I assume that he remains in the 98% bracket.....

Clare was in the kitchen on Sunday as the regulars are of on hols.....JR Hartley aka John Crane commented she was lovely as she served him his lunch....someone else commented that was harassment.....Roy piped up from behind the bar...."yes he said it to me earlier as well" "Ah but he meant it this time" came the instantaneous response from Alan Michael.... Chalgrave humour...you just can't beat it      

 

Sat 8th Aug.....Mrs Weedo's party....it was like a quiet charity day...which tells you that it was anything but quiet really!! There were so many things that could go wrong....Fred West was on the BBQ.....cooking a family meal he said....the HAGS were there in some strength and Barman Roy was in charge for his first evening function.....he was looking slightly shell shocked by the time I called in late evening!! Suffice it to say, that my staff clocked off at somewhere between 2.30 am and 3!! Weedo, Mrs Weedo, young Ben, Braveheart and Richie all went back to Dave's.....where they then launched into tenpin bowling on the Wii until 4.30am!!!

 

Fri 7th Aug....The McGarry's are keen golfers as most people know...so keen that the 4 Mcgarry's have entered the Hasker Multiplier twice.....maybe they have multiplied!

Mon 27th....Sue comes in to clean.......and finds a pair of black underpants by the dancefloor.......will they fit Paul, she wonders??? I get an email from Harry....do I know where his clubs are as he cannot find them......I respond telling him that he asked me 16 times in 3 minutes late on Saturday evening if he could leave them in my office.....I said yes to the request for the first 6 times and then said no to the remaining 10, wondering if it would make any difference.....clearly it didn't!!! Harry also says he is off the beer for a month...eeeeek.....

 

Sun 26th...the morning after the night before......if Dave Weedon, Mick Yule or Tim Murphy are in the top 10 I will be amazed!! Elsewhere, the Weedons are still having problems...this time Kelvin and his van again!!! Paul Northcott is approaching the Thorn turn on the A5, when he notices a van with its hazards on and the driver clearly agitated and kicking lumps out of it......a mechanical breakdown from the van and a mental one from the driver.......recognising Kelvin as the distressed driver,  he resists what any normal club members would do....ie beep the horn and wave as he goes past....and stops and offers assistance. Kelvin considers the offer, reviews where his van is, clearly blocking the junction and causing a major hazard, accepts the lift and transfers all his gear into Pauls car.....now Paul owns a Toyota Aygo...think the Smart car and then get smaller!!! Kelvin, not content with being rescued, loads Pauls car with his clubs, electric trolley, battery and then himself and off they go, making it here on time for Kelvins start time. At 3.00pm as Paul is on his way home, it takes some time to negotiate the Thorn turn as Kelvins van is still there, still blocking traffic, hazard lights blinking somewhat more slowly.....

 

Sat 25th....Charity Day.....dawns clear and bright...and after yesterdays deluge it seems impossible that there are not more flooded areas out there. The first starters are due out at 11.00 and Captain Hawker and Cally are here well in advance to complete the setting up of sponsor signs etc. Vince arrives, as always on Charity Day, in smart blazer and fedora, pays his fine for a hat in the clubhouse and settles down to extract maximum cash from all who come near him. Weedo, Micky Yule, Braveheart and Harry McGarry are here to help set up, and then as the start time approaches, they slip into character and costume......the 4 scousers, making up the Ferry Across the Mersey Team. For at least the next 12 hours, these four remain resolutely in character. Resplendent in black curly wigs, black "Bruce Grobbelaar" style moustaches, and dressed identically in lurid purple shell suits, subtly broken up with glaring white and orange patches, with the zipped top unzipped to show hairy chests...well in Mick's case at least two hairs anyway....they are uncontrollable and met any attempt at conversation with a scouse "eekk  eeeek" This somewhat limited vocabulary seems effective...all I could fathom was that once they had uttered 20 eeeeks between them, it was time for a drink....fortunately, they were reasonably early starters, so normality eventually descended on the clubhouse for a bit, although the course still rang to the sound of eeks all day........

Captain Hawker had made a last minute change to the format of play, having decided that having all 4 shots to count on the first 6 and only two to count on the last 6 was not going to work.....by that I mean that he felt that his team were more likely to score well if we played it the way we did last year with best 2 on the first 6, and all four on the last 6.....so there we are, the Captain and Chairman of Handicaps and Competitions manipulated the format to suit his team....who then came nowhere!!

Steve Emmett had written a spreadsheet so that all scores could be easily input, and produce a result in nanoseconds, which is a great advantage as we were only likely to have about an hour or so after the final group came in before we made it to presentations! Nicks last minute change meant Steve had to redo the whole thing overnight on Friday, but the whole thing looked very professional as Vince, looking like an MP on excessive expenses, calmly input scores whilst all around there was a sea of general mayhem. Out on the course, the scousers were high fiving, having full team body slams and eeeking like no ones business, and consuming drink faster than they could pour it out of a can/bottle...that's quite an achievement in itself!! Various other teams, indulging in good natured bantering with the scouse, were rewarded by being mooned at by the intrepid 4.

Out on the course, all manner of mad things were occurring. Mick Bewley was on the 10th Tee when I arrived with the group behind, just in time to see Mick thin the ball downwards and into the main pond, well short of the island.....a comment was made and Mick's long time golf buddy, Ronnie Cooper, who had already set off along the path and was now in front of the yellow markers, leapt to his chums defence, saying he had absolute confidence in his mates ability to strike a ball properly....I mentioned that if he had that level of confidence, he would stay where he was whilst Mick played 3 off the tee.....madness descended as he did so.....and even more madness followed as Mick thinned the next one 2 yards over Ronnies head!! We couldn't quite place it, but there was a distinctly unpleasant aroma that seemed to pervade the air for the remainder of our round, and Ronnie looked to be walking slightly oddly!!

The Hog Roast was splendid, and supplemented by an additional buffet, and the evening event gathered pace. The scouse, were determined to introduce all manner of Liverpudlian items....first Harry dropped some beer on the dance floor which made it a little slippery, and then as Victoria mopped it up, Braveheart gave a magnificent impersonation of Billy Eliot as he leapt across the floor, landing on the newly dampened area and crashing to the floor with such grace and aplomb you thought it had been rehearsed a thousand times.....The results were in.....and to the incredulous looks of disbelief from everywhere else, the scouse had won!!! The tables near the front emptied as Braveheart shook up his champagne and popped his cork....Kev Clinton took on the raffle of a thousand prizes in his own inimitable style and finally we had the Charity Auction. Harry had brought along a fabulous prize, to be there and watch, champagne breakfast and maybe participate, on the James and Erika Gold Breakfast Show, broadcasting live to the nation!!! As the bids slowly mounted, Mick Yule was winning at £50...so I pointed out to Harry, the considerable risks of letting Mick Yule into a national radio show studio during a live broadcast......whereupon Harry immediately realised the full horror that that might entail, and immediately bid £60 for his own voucher back!!! Braveheart was having none of this and topped the bid straightaway, £70 for Muck Yule to go!!! Harry knew he was beaten.....I will do my best to let you all know when this momentous occasion will occur!!  Two tickets to any show at the HMV Apollo in Hammersmith added to the fun....Dan Glass opened the bidding at £50, John Crane, standing next to him, topped the bid immediately with £60. I asked John if he fancied £70 and he said yes! What about £80??? Yes again!!! I did then point out that it was normal practice in an auction for other people to bid between his own bids, but what the hell...did he want £90??? John was determined...so he said yes!!! Sadly, despite being the only one bidding for the item, he then lost it at the last moment to Danny Glass for £110!!!

All in all, the Auction raised almost £1000 to the overall fund. There could not be any more fundraising surely.......oh yes there was.....£200 was donated for the scouse to sing Ferry Across the Mersey, which was, quite frankly, the absolute worst Karaoke performance I have ever heard....there are, sometimes, blessings for having poor hearing. This was one of those times!! Chastened, but not defeated they bounced back with their grand finale.......unplanned, unrehearsed and completely unstoppable, the clubhouse reverberated to the pulsing sounds of "I Believe in Miracles" as the headline soundtrack to The Full Monty saw the scouse on the final lap....the music was halted as donations to the Charity were called for, and the Jar on the Bar took some serious wedge. The stage was set, the scouse just didn't care anymore...and away we went....they had been talking b*ll*cks all day and now we were going to see them...did we???? well you should have been there!!! That will teach you to miss a Chalgrave event!! Finally, as we approached 1.30am, most had gone. The clubhouse looked as if a bomb had hit it.....crisps were everywhere on the floor, but The Captain is made of stern stuff. Out came the hoover, and away he went, on what has to have been the most random pattern of hoovering ever seen. There was no method, just hoover  a bit here, then a bit there, then go over there then back over here....Nick must have thought that there was someone following him around just dropping more crisps behind him, as he didn't seem to be getting anywhere for quite some time. This was due to the fact that he hoovered a bit clean, walked back into more crisps, walked forwards across the bit he had hoovered, dropping newly crushed crisps on the bit he had done and then just repeated this over and over again!! Eventually, the hoover won the battle, and The Captain and Cally, first in and last out had done Keech Cottage proud. Final totals will be sorted out, but we will be on the high side of £3,500 at the end of it. Awesome!!!    

 

Friday 24th July....well I have seen some rainfall at times over the past 15 years, but this topped the lot I reckon, for fury unleashed in a short spell.......as the Friday afternoon boys mainly escaped by the skin of their teeth, with the exception of Vince, who took one look at the approaching black cloud and clearly thought it was perfect for our floating feathered friends...."for duck that" was what was reported, but it could be wrong!!!!! as he abandoned his ball on the 17th and headed for sanctuary instead. It was an astute decision, and one not taken by Happy Horwood and Vijay.....whilst everyone else seemed to have made it reasonably intact....Braddy and Gibbo were absolutely soaked just getting in from the car park....Happy and Vijay appeared at the 150 markers on the 18th, and waded through 4" deep water all the way down the hill......battered by wind and rain, water in such volumes that it seemed that Happy would be swept away on a raging torrent, it could not possibly get any worse......until it did! The rain turned to large hail stones!!! As you would expect, an honour guard of those that had made the clubhouse safely and were dry, formed at the windows at the far end of the clubhouse. Tears of laughter coursed down the cheeks of those inside, threatening to swamp the inside in the way that the outside had just been hammered. Strangely, Happy did not look happy!

 

Sunday 19th July....the Pro-Am.....so who believes in scary coincidences???? 73 pro's were drawn at random to partner 78 club members...so we had to draw 5 pro's twice as The Open organisers messed up my arrangements by having the smallest 3rd/4th round field at an Open for over 5 years......I had checked back to see how many always made the cut and it always seemed to be 80 or more.....until this year...never mind.....so......what do you think the odds are, of Joe Silva being drawn to partner Stuart Appleby, so that the names Silva and Appleby played as a team?????????.....there could have been others...Vijay could have drawn Vijay, Steve Justin and Paul Casey would have been Justin Casey and I would have to go out and buy a new much bigger trophy if Harry Adams-Rimmer had partnered Gonzalo Fernandez-Castano, just to get the names engraved on it!!

 

Fri 17th July....I have finally sorted out yesterdays 9 hole competition...the front 9. off full handicap stableford, is always going to throw up some good scores, the greens are putting well, the ground is firm and the ball is rolling, the fairways are wide and generous....even so Don Cook's 25 stableford points, the equivalent of 7 under par for 9 holes is no mean achievement, which simply adds to the humour when you realise that he came second...on countback to Storming Norman Finan who also had 25 points but had 9 points on the last 3 to Don's 7!!!, there were 4 people who scored 1 under at 19 points......who got a single point for turning up!!!

 

Tues 14th July.......no...didn't manage it......almost as much water poured down my face in tears of laughter as some bedraggled seniors return to the clubhouse. Offering free water at the bar didn't improve their humour either!!! Vince comes in to regale me with his analysis and anecdotes from the Club Champs....the immediate past captain, in his newly discovered capacity in the bottom 98% was soundly defeated by Fred West by 8 shots and only missed out on the highest score of those that completed the 36 holes on countback.....Simon Ward completed 12,746 yards of golf in 203 shots in total...which is unfortunate as the total course length for 36 holes from the whites is 12,796 yards. Simon lost his ball 50 yards from the 18th green on the 2nd round, simply could not be bothered to walk back the 150 yards he had hit his 2nd shot to play another and NR'd 50 yards from the finish line!!!

 

Tues 14th July....8.00am...fabulous day, bright sunshine, gentle breeze and 52 seniors here for the Tuesday morning competition....3 hrs 45 minutes later.....it is so dark I have had to put the clubhouse lights on...it is absolutely thrashing down with rain........and there are seniors out there in shorts and polo shirts with no umbrellas and no waterproofs.....it is going to be SOOOOOO hard to keep a straight face as they make their way back in.......

 

Sunday 12th July...Club Championship....36 holes strokeplay, no handicap, lowest score wins. Serious golf for the serious players......27 participants took on the challenge. After 12 holes of the second round, there could only be one winner, Mike Parrett was 1 under for the second 18 and miles in front.......and then started to play golf like the rest of us do most of the time, with bogeys and double bogeys suddenly blotting out all the previous 30 holes hard work. A couple of fortunate finds of balls in the end saw him home as Club Champion regaining the title he last won in 1996, with a 2 round total of 155 shots.

 

Sat 11th July.....Webby arrives in the Clubhouse as he has to withdraw from tomorrows Club Champs......so I ask why.....it appears he doesn't own enough golf balls to complete the competition!! On Thursday, in the 9 hole competition, Webby amassed a staggeringly mediocre 10 stableford points and lost 5 balls in the process. The following day, with the Friday afternoon crowd, a further 5 balls went astray, a total of 10 in 27 holes......so you can see why 36 holes of scratch strokeplay has lost its appeal all of a sudden!!

 

Sat 11th July.....Apples adds yet another nickname to his personal list....Apples being obvious, peaches being a derivative of that, and now Judas.....as Dave, him of multiple club memberships, was available as reserve for either side in todays clubmatch v Aylesbry Vale. Aylesbury were one short and so Apples was called up....and he arrived with a big grin and his Aylesbury Vale shirt on....yes, that is the 2005/6 Club Captain is out there at the moment playing for the opposition!!

 

Weds 8th July...a bit of news filters back from the Divot Diggers awayday at Brampton Heath....Dave Millard got an ace on the par 3 course which he claimed was not a real one as it was not on a "real" course.....that argument simply did not stand up...so it cost him about another £65 for his day out!! Quality.

 

Sat 27th...The HAGS have an awayday at Magnolia....going by coach!!! the mind boggles...a group meet at Weedo's for Bacon Rolls and Buds....at 8.00am!! Others are picked up at various points, including the Club. Graham Taylor is here at the club and having a bad start to the day, having forgotten his golf shoes.....the day will not get better for him!!! Most are on the coach, but Kelvin has elected to drive.....another poor decision as he phones Weedo 90 minutes before his start time to say he has broken down but the RAC are enroute...an hour later he phones again to say his van is now on the back of a towtruck, enroute for the services on the M4 for someone else to have a look at!! The Golf at Magnolia gets underway, no Kelvin and GT in new shoes, which will be considered a minor expenditure in hindsight....4.5 hours later, the breakdown is diagnosed as a blockage in the fuel pipe and Kelvin makes it in time to NOT play!!

 

The golf over and back to Toddington.....GT has lost the chip key for his car which he left in the carpark that morning...I told you the shoes would be the cheap bit!! If you want to see what car it is....just pop down to the Club....it is still here on Tuesday morning and no sign whatsoever of it ever moving again....new chip key and reprogramming, with the dealer having to come out to the car....Graham said to me on Monday it is cheaper than a new car....but I reckon it will be close!!! Sat Evening in Toddington with the HAGS will need no explanation.....Weedo and Braveheart were in kilts (see below) as Weedo started his preparation for the 2nd Round of the Handicap Champs...where a score of sub par levels is required to retain his top 2% status....at 11.30, Toddington had had enough so the group moved onto Dunstable to party the night away....the records show that Dave managed a creditable net par round in Round 2, but currently enjoys his status in the bottom 98% for the time being.
Kelvin's vehicle woes did not end at Magnolia. Having paid but not played, not  had a drink as he was driving....or being towed....he returned home and was about to write the day off as a bad one...and then the missus phoned from Milton Keynes to say that there was a very strange, bad knocking sound coming from the engine of her car!!!

 

 

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